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Drunk, texting motorist driving unroadworthy car still waiting for police report



A man who refused to comment on an incident in which he caused a rush-hour pile up on the M4, in fog at night in which 180,000 people died while driving a works car with defective retread tyres, while five times over the alcohol limit while sending a text to his secret lover about their imminent love child has been criticised for his obtuse understanding of the situation.


The man said he was waiting for a report from traffic police into whether he had broken the law or not.


The man said even if found guilty, he would not resign from his post as chair of the Road Safety Committee or head of Drink Aware or patron of Single Parents for Justice, insisting none of the alleged transgressions was a sackable offence.


First published 22 Feb 2022



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Speaker to resign from being a cowardly arse

The House of Commons demanded that the snivelling toad either grow a pair or resign. Hiding under his desk, he denied he was scared, and that he was merely looking for a copy of the Magna Carta he had dropped there earlier.


Having had his spine surgically replaced with jelly, The Speaker stands (or wobbles) accused of undermining a Gaza ceasefire in exchange for not getting duffed up behind the bike sheds.


Abandoning his traditional position of neutrality for a place in Keir Starmer's anus, the Speaker had decided to throw caution (and his career) to the wind. But now that MPs were baying for his blood, he said he might just stay under this blanket for a little longer. Finally, he was unceremoniously dragged back to the chamber to apologise...for having wet himself.




'I said I was resigning from parliament and now I want to change my mind'




Today's dilemma concerns an anonymous member of parliament.


Dear Aunt Brenda,


I recently had a bit of a rush to the head and announced I was resigning from my well paid job as a member of parliament and I've since realised that this might not be the wisest thing I've ever done. Do you think it would look bad if I tried to unresign?


Aunt Brenda replies:


It's very easy to criticise. Actually, it's a piece of cake. I spent five minutes at it this morning and came up with 500 words about you without pausing. You might try and move on to a new career; why not apply for a job at Channel 4? I'm sure they'd have been impressed with your programme on Talk TV - at least, if anyone had watched it. To be positive, your resignation announcement is one of the most popular things you've done. I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset your former colleagues by changing your minds, and to help with your decision, I've attached flight times to Rwanda.


I hope this helps!

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