top of page

A recently leaked campaign consultant’s memo advises Republican candidates in America’s 2024 elections to ‘tone down’ their support for slavery, the catastrophic regime of violent race-based labor exploitation that tore the United States apart in the mid-19th century. ‘While most of us now recognize that slavery has acquired a negative connotation thanks to the unremitting smears of the woke abolitionist media,’ the memo states, ‘candidates need to understand that the issue remains a sore spot for certain key voter demographics.’


The memo advises candidates to refer to slavery using other less incendiary terms, such as ‘flexible remuneration’ or ‘insourcing.’ Candidates should avoid using the phrase ‘zero-dollar contracts,’ the memo notes, because the phrase ‘underperformed’ in focus group testing.


The leak comes in the wake of revelations that Mark Robinson, the Republican candidate for governor of North Carolina, has expressed support on social media for reinstating slavery. Robinson, who is Black, denies the assertion, which has been reported by numerous news outlets.


Robinson also denies having made a torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks on social media over the last decade attributed to him by several major news organizations. These denials come on the heels of his denials involving a more recent torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks.


‘You have to hand it to the guy, he’s thorough,' said a veteran North Carolina political strategist. 'As far as I can tell, he’s insulted just about everyone except left-handed people and Elvis impersonators,’


image from pixabay




Nothing says 'bad loser' like a defeated Republican. That's why the Party of racist misogyny has already got its gay penguin ducks in a row.



'It's the button push of the century,' said campaign strategist Carlton Taylor. 'Nothing riles Republican voters like gay penguins, so that's who we're going to blame the election loss on this time.



'They'll be heading for the streets of DC in their pickups, tooled to the teeth like Clint Eastwood talking to an empty punk chair. And all we have to do is put the message out there that gay penguins stole their election.



'Ballot papers with the name Sphen on them are mocked up and ready to go. They're gonna rip through social media like Monkeypox through a chimp tea party.'


bottom of page