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Republican Senators are still refusing to allow the Democrat government to release funds to assist Ukraine in their war against Russia until they have guarantees that their wall will have potted plants and a lovely barbecue area. 'Our demands must be met,' said Ronald Dump, Senator for the State of Female Bodies. 'We're not releasing one cent until the wall is lowered to a height so that I can look over it and tut at what the Mexicans are up to.
'And there should be American flags all along the wall. And holes. And the holes must be small enough not to allow tiny Mexicans through. But they should be big enough to poke the end of automatic weapons through. Or my penis. Just to see what happens.
'And when those demands are met, we'll still withhold the funds until we get a tasteful water feature, including a statue of a small boy peeing. And a door. My own personal door with an access key just for me. And then another wall, bigger and better than the first wall.'
Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump, today asked a Federal Court to delay the Presidential Election until he can afford to raise funds for a viable campaign.
His lawyers say he cannot find a private company to guarantee the $464m (£365m) he has been ordered to pay in a New York civil fraud case.
If he pays the money by liquidating assets, he will incur large penalties, leaving him without enough funds to successfully fight the upcoming election, say his lawyers.
The former president must either pay the full amount in cash or secure a bond in order to continue his bid to be President.
Mr Trump's lawyers said on Monday that securing a bond of that size was a "practical impossibility".
'It is every citizen's right to be able to fund a billion-dollar campaign,' said his lawyers. 'This is a cornerstone of US democracy.'
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