Trump pardons all registered Republican voters

President Trump has today pardoned thousands of prisoners, including many on death row.

A spokesman said that all registered Republican voters had been pardoned because the President knew that they would help to 'Make America Great Again' and that 'their hearts were in the right place.' Every pardoned prisoner will, on release, be given a free MAGA cap.

The President plans to make use of the freed up prison capacity to lock up migrants, if they were registered Democrats, before sending them into space on one of Elon’s rockets.

Some people have been concerned that the released prisoners might re-offend, but the President said that this was 'not a problem', as he could pardon them again, adding 'the only crime is not voting Trump'.

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Gaetz 'has no recollection' of having sex with goats, agent says

An agent for Matt Gaetz has asserted that the Florida Republican 'has no recollection' of having intercourse with any non-human partners. Leaked court documents indicate Gaetz is currently being prosecuted for animal cruelty, a felony under Florida state law. The leaked prosecution briefs describe, in unfortunate granularity, Gaetz’ alleged intercourse with animals labelled in the documents as 'RUMINANT 1' and 'RUMINANT 2'.

A Gaetz spokesman reacted defiantly to the leak. 'This is all a smear by envious woke leftists who eat dinner alone with their cats. Matt Gaetz doesn’t just party like an animal, he parties with them! Sexy!'

Sources close to the investigation have confirmed that the ruminants at issue in the Gaetz case are goats. Billy, a spokesgoat for the American Association of Herbivores, reacted with unfettered disgust.

'Saying he can't remember having sex with goats isn't quite the same as saying he didn't, is it?' Billy baa-ed. 'The very thought turns my stomachs.'

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Leaked Memo Advises Republican Candidates to 'Tone Down' Support for Slavery

A recently leaked campaign consultant’s memo advises Republican candidates in America’s 2024 elections to ‘tone down’ their support for slavery, the catastrophic regime of violent race-based labor exploitation that tore the United States apart in the mid-19th century. ‘While most of us now recognize that slavery has acquired a negative connotation thanks to the unremitting smears of the woke abolitionist media,’ the memo states, ‘candidates need to understand that the issue remains a sore spot for certain key voter demographics.’

The memo advises candidates to refer to slavery using other less incendiary terms, such as ‘flexible remuneration’ or ‘insourcing.’ Candidates should avoid using the phrase ‘zero-dollar contracts,’ the memo notes, because the phrase ‘underperformed’ in focus group testing.

The leak comes in the wake of revelations that Mark Robinson, the Republican candidate for governor of North Carolina, has expressed support on social media for reinstating slavery. Robinson, who is Black, denies the assertion, which has been reported by numerous news outlets.

Robinson also denies having made a torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks on social media over the last decade attributed to him by several major news organizations. These denials come on the heels of his denials involving a more recent torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks.

‘You have to hand it to the guy, he’s thorough,' said a veteran North Carolina political strategist. 'As far as I can tell, he’s insulted just about everyone except left-handed people and Elvis impersonators,’

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