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Elon Musk is celebrating a sales boom for Tesla cars. The models in the greatest demand are those with petrol engines – which is odd, as Tesla only builds fully electric cars.
We spoke to an auto industry insider, to understand what’s going on. Richard Scratcher, owner of Dirty Dick’s Chop Shop in Alamo, Nevada, says that it’s all to do with sales of converted Teslas. The Chop Shop works with a Tesla dealership, offering new cars which have been converted by replacing the electric engine with a new General Motors V12 internal combustion engine.
Richard says, ‘Sales of my Tesla Model 3 DBD are booming. That’s DBD, not DBS, like Aston Martin. DBD stands for Drill, Baby, Drill.  And that’s a big clue about who is buying these cars.
‘Republican’s are keen to support Trump and keen to support the First Buddy, Elon Musk. So they’d like to buy a Tesla to show their support. But at the same time, they hate environmentalists, they don’t believe in climate change, and they really, really hate electric cars.
‘So I solve that problem for them. They get to buy a new Tesla, to help out Elon, and they get an all-American V12 engine and twin exhausts and a fuel consumption of 8 miles per gallon. That sounds bad, but it’s a US gallon, not one of your Imperialist gallons. And that’s why sales are booming.
‘I’ve also got a great deal going on secondhand cars. I can buy Teslas cheap from disillusioned Democrats, convert them, and sell them on at a premium price to Republican blowhards. And that’s how we’re making America great again.’
Photo by Charlie Deets on Unsplash
In a development that has shocked the scientific world, an American archaeologist has reported the discovery of a Republican spine underneath the Mall in Washington, DC. Excavation for the new 700-foot-tall Donald Trump Monument uncovered the bizarre relic. ‘This was completely unexpected,’ said Frieda Newman, lead archaeologist for the project and Professor of Political Nematodes at Stanford University. ‘We had no idea that Republicus americanus had ever been vertebrates.’
Speculation immediately turned to which Republican might have had a spine. Focus initially fell on former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but investigation later revealed that the Terminator star is, in fact, still alive. ‘Someone on our team said maybe it came from [Senator] Mitch McConnell,’ Newman said. ‘We all had a good laugh.’
On a hastily arranged Zoom call, baffled experts eventually decided that the spine was probably that of Abraham Lincoln, America’s 16th president. A nationwide search is now underway to locate the rest of his remains. ‘If it’s Lincoln, it’s unclear why the rest of him isn’t here,’ said one of the experts, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘We cannot rule out foul play.’
The experts also debated where the rare item should be displayed. Some suggested that it could be an exhibit in the forthcoming 110-story Trump Museum Tower, slated for construction on the former site of Arlington National Cemetery. Others suggested it could reside in the new Trump Wing of the Smithsonian’s Museum of Trump, American History, Trump, and Trump.
However, the object could prove to be highly controversial. ‘People are going to ask why we’re displaying a Republican spine but not a Democratic one,’ another expert observed. ‘And the answer – because we haven’t found one yet - will surely anger a lot of folks.’
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