American streets now made entirely from gold

Only a week into the big job and President Trump has transformed the USA. Crime has vanished, nobody is sick and Canada is begging to join the party.

‘I was a sceptic’ said Marjorie Williams (58), a lifelong Democrat. ‘But then the Gold Man drove by, distributing ingots to every household, and I can afford to retire early’.

Every large American town now has a Gold Man, tasked with getting rid of all the pesky gold accumulating since America became Great again.

Formerly trans people have developed clarity over their sexuality and gender alignment, which has significantly improved their sense of well-being. Hurricanes have agreed to stay away from the United States after The Donald ‘had a word’, and all geographical features in the world have volunteered to be renamed ‘of America’.

Perhaps the best news is oil. No longer a hydrocarbon, oil has miraculously stopped producing CO2 when combusted, meaning that the polar bears can safely continue sitting on top of giant mints.

In other news, man, this is really good shit.

Photo by Pierre Blaché on Unsplash

Trump pardons all registered Republican voters

President Trump has today pardoned thousands of prisoners, including many on death row.

A spokesman said that all registered Republican voters had been pardoned because the President knew that they would help to 'Make America Great Again' and that 'their hearts were in the right place.' Every pardoned prisoner will, on release, be given a free MAGA cap.

The President plans to make use of the freed up prison capacity to lock up migrants, if they were registered Democrats, before sending them into space on one of Elon’s rockets.

Some people have been concerned that the released prisoners might re-offend, but the President said that this was 'not a problem', as he could pardon them again, adding 'the only crime is not voting Trump'.

Image: ottielie - Pixabay

Gaetz 'has no recollection' of having sex with goats, agent says

An agent for Matt Gaetz has asserted that the Florida Republican 'has no recollection' of having intercourse with any non-human partners. Leaked court documents indicate Gaetz is currently being prosecuted for animal cruelty, a felony under Florida state law. The leaked prosecution briefs describe, in unfortunate granularity, Gaetz’ alleged intercourse with animals labelled in the documents as 'RUMINANT 1' and 'RUMINANT 2'.

A Gaetz spokesman reacted defiantly to the leak. 'This is all a smear by envious woke leftists who eat dinner alone with their cats. Matt Gaetz doesn’t just party like an animal, he parties with them! Sexy!'

Sources close to the investigation have confirmed that the ruminants at issue in the Gaetz case are goats. Billy, a spokesgoat for the American Association of Herbivores, reacted with unfettered disgust.

'Saying he can't remember having sex with goats isn't quite the same as saying he didn't, is it?' Billy baa-ed. 'The very thought turns my stomachs.'

Image: minka2507 - Pixabay