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As viewers brace themselves for the new series of the popular BBC programme 'The Repair Shop', complete with mugs of tea, Hob-Nobs and a new pack of Kleenex the BBC is warning them that series 12 is going to have a new look and feel. 'We've spent the last eleven series repairing broken artefacts, using heritage skills and painstaking close up shots of complex, filthy objects being methodically cleaned using an earbud dipped in spit, before dropping the same items in a tub of paraffin when off-camera,' said a BBC spokesman today, adding that the broken artefact was supported by a tear-jerking backstory.
'We think we've effectively repaired all the worthwhile tat,' continued the spokesman, 'and this season we've decided to just ignore it. In the first episode we were planning to renovate a 1990s stapler used by someone's granny before she got Alzheimer's, a broken coat hook from a farmhouse kitchen that was remodelled four years ago and is the the only original part that Wren Kitchens left when they danced out of the new, thoroughly modern kitchen and a broken mug with "best dad in the world" on it. We thought "fuck it", the viewers only want to hear the back-story anyway so we've sacked Jay, Steve, Kirsten and the rest, bought a new stapler from W H Smith, a new mug off eBay and thrown the coat hook in the bin.
'In the second episode we're looking at a broken Britain so we've burned the Brexit Withdrawal legislation, re-established all the EU laws and called a General Election. Well, we did say we were getting rid of all the tat,' he said.
Jay Blades: Our guest today has an ancient an much loved heirloom. Charles, do tell us about it.
HRH Chuck Three: Well, Jay, it is the British Monarchy. It has been with our family since 1917.
JB: You are talking about the Windsor marque?
HRH: Indeed. It has actually been with the family a lot longer than that, but we rebranded it at that time.
JB: I see. So, why have you brought it in today?
HRH: Well, it's just not running that well. It doesn't keep up with the times and it can make a lot of disturbing noises at the most inappropriate times. We had a new cog fitted in the 80s. The Diana. And that seemed to keep it running well for a while, but then it was damaged and had to be removed. That has had a knock-on effect on some of the smaller parts of the mechanism.
JB: OK, let's have a look. German engineering... aha! I see you have had a Meghan fitted.
HRH: Yes. we thought that it would support the Harry, but it seems to have taken on the driving role for that part of the mechanism.
JB: There's yer problem. It is an an American part. They run OK for a while but then undermine the performance of the whole structure.
HRH: What would you suggest?
JB: I would leave it in for now. Trying to remove it would do more harm than good. It may come away of its own accord given time.
HRH: What about the Andrew?
JB: I think we both know, that has to go. Is there anything else we can help you with?
HRH: Well, we do have have a poorly performing PM. Wherever we put it, it causes turmoil.
JB: Get out!
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