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Fundamentalist Atheists storm nowhere, demand nothing, massacre no-one

The world was united in ambivalence yet again, this morning, as reports hit that Fundamentalist Atheists yet again did not storm anywhere demanding anything and in the process of this, killed no-one.


Whilst there was no announcement from the loosely branded organisation, World leaders seemed unphased and yet again failed to condemn their co-ordinated inaction. Religious leaders seemed almost united in their outrage with the Pope opining that the Atheists were "amateurs" and mused as to how they could get their message out there if they are not willing to abuse, maim or indoctrinate. A spokes-terrorist from The Islamic State said, "if we could find them, we'd wipe these people from the face of the Earth. We can't have them nonchalantly spreading a messaging of inadvertent tolerance and co-operation!"


We approached an atheist in Maidstone today and asked him to explain his inaction and he told us, "I'm just having a cup of coffee, mate." He again reinforced the stereotype of Atheist Fundamentalists just sitting about, getting on with their day not judging people based on anything but the content of their characters. He didn't even have a leaflet to tell me how to live my life. These people live among us.




Retired priest persuaded to take on ‘one last Mass’




He was home free. After a lifetime of saving souls, dipping into the collection plate and running from Satan, Fr Mackenzie finally had a shot at retirement. But the Bishop had other plans. And you don't bash the Bishop.


'It's the Randle brothers. They'll be in town next month. Sinners and filthy rich. Could be our biggest score'.


'I told ya, Bish. I'm never goin' back'.


The Bishop looked around the tiny apartment. 'Call this home? You could be in St Anselm's playing chess with the others'.


Fr Mackenzie sighed. He knew the conversation. 'I'm alone, Bish; I am not lonely'.


It was futile, though. For a man like Fr Mackenzie, the action is the juice. He knew it, Bish knew it. And Satan was hovering, waiting for him to make a slip.


'You live simply'.


'Yeah, well, a wise priest once told me: Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. Remember that conversation, Your Grace?'


The Bishop shrugged. 'I'm not an Archbishop yet. My Lord will do. This score, though – the Randle Brothers – you could retire a Monsignor'.


He was retired already, but he needed the action. Bish knew it. They both did. He missed the juice.


'Ah, what the hell. One last job, yeah?'


The Bishop smiled. 'I'll bring the incense. Pack your rosary beads Jack, we're goin' hunting'.


God clarifies rules on lying


In his first interview since the bestselling Ten Commandments, reclusive author God has issued clarification on the 9th Commandment.


‘Bearing false witness remains sinful, even on social media and even if the liar believes he has the moral high ground’, God told journalists.


‘This includes funny memes and made-up quotations which look as if they might have been the sort of thing which that person might have said.


‘Although if it’s for satirical effect that’s ok,' he added. ‘But if you intend people to believe in the content, repeat the message or use it as the basis for an online argument, you’re going to The Bad Place. As a rule of thumb avoid social media – if it’s worth saying, it’s worth carving into tablets of stone.'



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