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Suella Braverman is briefly pivoting away from abusing refugees and curtailing human rights in order to give a speech about abusing refugees and curtailing human rights. A leaked draft made extensive use of air quotes, screeching 'You say "basic human rights", I say "potato". You say "refugee fleeing persecution for being gay", I say "tomato". The point is let’s call the whole thing off.' 'You want human rights? You can't handle human rights. If you can’t arbitrarily beat up and imprison your political opponents, what’s the point? If you want a fair trial, it means you're guilty!' Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst added 'Leaving the ECHR would put the UK alongside Belarus and Russia - countries Suella clearly wishes to emulate. It contains the two things Tories fear most: human rights and Europe.'
A Polish company that specialises in making sledgehammers has been awarded the largest contract ever for the manufacture of a sledgehammer from the British government.
The proposed sledgehammer is said to be three times the height of the Empire State Building and will be used to stop migrant boats, however a Newsbiscuit reporter has learned from a post-coital conversation with a worker from SledgehammersЯus that in order to meet Tory cost-cutting targets, the sledgehammer specification requires it to be made from polystyrene foam, rather than cast iron and carry safety warnings to reduce the risk of anyone being harmed by it.
Popeye Marine Ltd, a UK company that had been hoping to win the contract to operate the sledgehammer, say they lost out to German company ßlüto whose worst brat threw in a free ticket to a volksmusik polka concert with a fag and pint photo opportunity with Nigel Farrage to clinch the deal.
French markets are said to be doing a roaring trade in sexy nut outfits that migrants will be wearing for the crossings.
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