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Reform UK candidates stand down over vetting process



A number of Reform UK candidates have resigned their candidature after being told to attend the PDSA for vetting.


“I thought the vetting appointment I had been booked in for was merely to check I’m a racist,” said Arthur Brain, who until recently was a candidate for Vodka-under Lyme, “But they told me to drop my trousers and said I’d be so much happier without having to trip over bleedin’ kids.”


A spokescastrationist for the PDSA said “Although we’re a charity known for caring for sick animals, the last 14 years of government led to a reduction in donations, so in working out how we could survive, a receptionist pointed out that humans are technically animals too; and some politicians are obviously as sick as a bagful of sick. So when Nigel Farage said all Reform candidates would be vetted, we offered to do the job on the cheap and he said "Ooh! You're talking my language” at the mention of cheap."


Newsbiscuit asked Professor M Odelmaker if what the PDSA was offering amounted to eugenics and his reply was “Who gives a f*ck if it helps reduce the increasing number of dickheads in society, for the long-term?”


image from pixabay

Reform to rebrand as The Chair Party



Following a Party rally which saw hundreds of empty seats in a modestly sized venue, Nigel Farage has announced a rebrand as The Chair Party.


'Look, we represent chairs. British chairs. And we're supremely successful', he told reporters. Just look at our rallies - chairs turn up in their hundreds to see me. And the other three. Not Rupert, though - he's more of a sofa man'.


Furniture has not, traditionally, been allowed to vote in UK elections, which Farage sees as 'just the Establishment protecting its own'. It's unclear whether he can get the law changed before the next General Election but one thing is clear: his rallies will look a lot fuller from now on.




Predictable local government election results



As the local government elections approach, the outcome of which which had been considered uncertain, has now suddenly become much more predictable.


With Labour currently almost as unpopular as the Tories were before the last general election, no-one was going to vote for them or the Tories, and no-one knew how the re-allocated votes were likely to be re-distributed among the rag-bag of various 'also-ran' parties,


These include Scots Gnats, Reform, New Reform, Real Reform, the Original Reform, Continuity Reform, Reformed Reform, Reform II, the Return of Reform (that's a separate party for each of their current MPs), the Democratic Liberal (or whatever they're called nowadays) party, the Monster Raving Loony Party, the Mildly Deranged Loony Party, the More Moderately-Sized Loony Party, the Green Party, the Light Green Party, the Dark Green Party, the British Racing Green Party, the Pink Party, the Spotted Party, the Striped Party and the British National We're-Not-Fascists, We-Just-Hate-Everyone party.


However, things are much clearer now, following the recent establishment of two new parties, which are likely to sweep up most of the votes.  These are the None-of-the-Above Party, and the We're-not-the-Tories-and-neither-are-we-the-Labour-Party-Either Party.  The only remaining uncertainty is which of these will massacre the other.




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