Petition to bring back 'Spangles' passes 2 million signatures

Right-wing media and influencers across the UK are claiming a government petition demanding a General Election equates to a vote of no confidence in the government. However, the petition's impressive number of signees lags behind the current leader, which aims to resurrect Spangles, a favourite sweet of the 1970's.

'Sir Keir Starmer has to accept the will of the people and talk to the King about this at their weekly audience,' said Dan Steely, the petition's creator. 'Hopefully between them, they can persuade Cadbury, or Trebor, or whoever made them to fire up the presses and get Spangles back on British shelves where they belong. If we can do this, then I've got plenty of other ideas for petitions: To bring back the Bar Six, change Snickers back to Marathon, and re-join the European Union. I think the first two have got the best chance of going somewhere.'

In Whitehall, civil servants monitoring the petitions were said to be advising ministers about the best course of action, and which flavour was most likely to appeal to Reform voters. 'We originally thought blackcurrant,' a member of the petitions team told us, 'but then we realised they'd baulk at anything with black in the name. So, we decided on the classic English flavour of pineapple. To be honest though, it wouldn't have mattered which we'd chosen, once we'd put them in Union Flag packaging and called them 'Patriot Sweets' we'd never keep them on the shelves.'

Image: WixAI

Reform Party Says Mini-Moon 'Must be Deported'

The Reform Party today issued a demand that the mini-moon, an asteroid that has temporarily entered Earth’s orbit, ‘must be deported immediately.’ The party’s statement, posted on a hitherto unknown social media platform, went on to state that ‘this astral intruder has taken up residence in Earth’s orbit without following any of the applicable procedures, and now it is stealing valuable sunlight from the law-abiding subjects of the King.’ ‘We cannot allow such a dangerous space predator, utterly alien to hallowed Anglo-Saxon traditions, to continue to menace our planet,’ the statement added.

According to well-informed insiders, the statement papers over deep divisions within Reform. The majority of party members want the mini-moon kicked into deep space, but a vocal minority are demanding that it be towed to Rwanda. A meeting called to resolve these differences nearly descended into violence, according to a source who attended.

The content of the statement has raised eyebrows among political professionals. ‘It isn’t clear that voters are keenly focused on this issue’ opined one bewildered former Tory consultant. Others wondered where Reform’s crusade would stop. ‘They’ll be having a go at the real moon next,’ worried a Reform source who asked not to be named.

The reaction of space objects to the Reform statement was generally negative. Oumuamua, the cigar shaped object that raced through the solar system in 2017, returned a reporter’s texted inquiry with an eyeroll emoji. The Oort Cloud Association [OCA] has issued a travel advisory for Earth, warning space objects to avoid ‘all non-essential contact’ with the planet until further notice. Inquiries to the OCA on whether it planned any rescue operations for the mini-moon went unanswered as of press time.

Image: Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

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Asian Hornets Society calls for better hornet housing

A hornets' nest in Southampton said to to be home to some 3,000 hornets was just 75cm-wide. " This is an absolute disgrace" said Milly Purviss of the Asian Hornets Society. "It's time the government took action against rogue hornet landlords such as the one that rented out this accommodation."

More pressure is being put on local councils to provide reasonable-sized, cheap accommodation to dangerous insects but there has been a lot of opposition from Reform UK.

Reform's leader, pub bore and professional milkshake dodger, Nigel Farage, has hit out against the provision of housing for hornets, especially the Asian ones. "What about the British stinging insects?" he asked our reporter. "It's one rule for the British insects and another for the foreign, work shy, immigrant hornets! They can't even speak English!"

image from pixabay