Coleen Rooney cast as new 'Sherlock'

Following her Wagatha Christie success, Coleen Rooney is being cast as a female incarnation of Sherlock Holmes, with the character to adopt the nickname 'Shazza' and catchphrase ‘Elementary my dear… Rebekah Vardy’s account’. The deerstalker will be retained, but is now paired with some Louboutins. Vardy as Moriarty seems a shoe-in, as is Wayne as Doctor Watson.

A spokeswoman said ‘It’s a game of two halves Jeff and we gave it 110% which is 55% per half and technically impossible. We’re not the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency yet, but if we can finish top 4 then we can qualify for the champions league. We go again.’

Gary Grimthwaite, who is professionally furious, spluttered ‘First a lady Dr Who and now this. With no role models left, the only alternative for boys is a life of crime, like Boris Johnson.‘

Hat tip to Deskpilot3

Image: becchy | Pixabay

Rebekah Vardy lands job producing tabloid epigrams

Rebekah Vardy has secured a lucrative job as a social commentator, as a result of her ongoing court case with Colleen Rooney, it has emerged.

Vardy will be employed by the tabloid press to provide her own tweet-length summaries of major news items, with a stipulation of at least one level 2 obscenity in each message, a source revealed.

‘She’s a natural’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Lexicology at the University of Lunn. ‘Her tweets and messages have a Shakespearean rhythm to them, combining the wit of Mark Twain with the sense of pathos of Moliere’.

‘That c**t needs to get over him/herself’ has that universality, invoking feelings of anger along with a sense of that underlying truth that we are all searching for’, continued McBride. ‘It can be applied to Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin or Simon Cowell in equal measure. A kind of Everyman epigram for our age.’

Producing her first copy today, Vardy responded to the news that the UK economy had contracted by 0.1% last month: ‘UK plc growth rate is like a miniature chipolata. Last time I saw this much shrinkage was when Peter Andre’s Speedos came off after he jumped into a freezing North Sea’.