Supreme Court rules Trump can compete on Love Island

Donald Trump will be allowed to compete on the upcoming series of Love Island, after the US Supreme Court ruled that Trump is immune from justice as well as to STDs probably, given he's still alive after all the porn stars. 

In a hastily deleted social media post, Trump wrote 'Love Island, but not as much as I love the flag of Liberia or Australia or whatever I think the flag of America looks like.'

'One woman, she said to me... tears in her eyes... she said I have the body of a chiselled Greek God. Just imagine my mostly nude, rippling body - maybe some golden budgie smugglers - maybe not - running on the beach, bouncing in slow motion like the Baywatch credits. Really think about it.'

'Like me, there will be a few "fun" racists and misogynists on there. Women? I'll grab them by the... well, what I'll grab them by is already a matter of public record.' 

'I will miss my current wife E Jean Pelosi or Kamala Haley or whoever it is. I will also miss my children... that I know of... right guys? They know what I'm talking about. No, I'm joking. I won't miss my children at all. Except for my daughter Ivana, if you know what I mean.'  

'Once I have finished claiming Love Island for Russia - I mean America - or do I? - I look forward to defeating the failing Barack Clinton in November and going full Handmaid's Tale.'

image from pixabay

Laurence Fox ‘could have been King’ if not for racist slurs

Former actor Laurence Fox is widely believed to have been on track to be the next Batman, to win a Nobel Prize and to be crowned King of England until some people accused him of racism online.

‘The Nobel Committee were on the phone every other day’, a fan told NewsBiscuit. ‘And then Queen Elizabeth died. Not widely known, but she thought Laurence should have had the throne. She was a big fan of “Lewis”, you see. The Batman role would have been perfect for him – he can actually fly, which would have saved quite a bit on CGI’.

Fox is a working-class lad from Harrow (school) who went into the family business much in the manner of boy miners or chimney sweeps, except that his family business is acting.

Fox stunned professional scientists during lockdown by demonstrating that an uneducated man can do his own research on social media much faster than a PhD with a lab and some integrity. It isn’t clear whether he was in line for the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine – which was, instead, awarded to Katalin Karikó and Drew Weissman for developing mRNA vaccines against COVID-19 – or if they were going to give him all the Nobel Prizes as a job lot.

All of this stopped when those people used the R word.

A lesser actor will now be hired to play Batman, which will be as much a loss to the arts as it will to Fox’s bank balance. We can only hope that his genius is eventually recognised.

image from pixabay

Home Secretary veers from Wacky Races back to Wacky Racist

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