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Using emergency legislation, the government is to give the Metropolitan Police new powers to arrest supporters of so-called 'Woke Causes' for newly introduced specific crimes.
Amendments to the Police Act, will soon allow officers to detain Black Lives Matter protesters for "possession of a knee with intent to kneel." Pedestrians who are still on a Pelican Crossing when the green man starts flashing can also be arrested for supporting Just Stop Oil and holding up the highway; as can cyclists who fail to give way to any motor vehicle that is behind them.
Speaking outside New Scotland Yard, a Met spokesman lauded the proposed changes to the law. He remarked, 'These sorely-needed updates to bring policing into the 21st century will greatly aid our officers in the execution of their duties. This is the biggest shake up of law enforcement in the capital, and most-needed, since the 1980s, when we could arrest someone simply for owning a Bob Marley LP, or speaking in public with an Irish accent.'
The people of the UK are all much more content since their sovereign right to be racist was restored.
'Nigel is the real hero in all of this,' said a class A bigot from Stoke. 'Without all of his selfless efforts to bring back our good old fashioned racism, I shudder to think where we would be. Because he told us all we can be as racist as we like again, especially in public, the Tories have had to really ramp up their racism just to stay in touch.
'Sure, the economy is fucked, we're poor as piss, nothing works and the nation is an international laughing stock, but it's more important to be able to say what you like about people who look different to you. This is what true freedom is. Well, it is for us at least.
'It was a terrible time there for a while, you know, before we took back control. We were marginalised and not allowed to be overtly racist to anyone foreign-looking. But we've really found ourselves again and we're much more comfortable in our own white skin.
'And the best thing is that my kids get special government-imposed lessons in school where they are taught how to be proper racist. I'm just so proud of 'em. They've got a future now. A future where wife beating will be completely normal again, too.
'Look, I know there are still some woke idiots out there who are too weak minded to get on the racism bus with the rest of us, but hey, that just gives us more people to shout abuse at. These culture wars are brilliant. You can't beat a hatefully divided nation at this level. I'm not even sure Great Britain was ever as racist as this before.'
One Downing Street spokes-bigot confirmed, 'This isn't casual racism. It takes a lot of planning to be this racist.'
A response from a non-racist has been rejected because that would be bleedin' heart lefty bias.
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