Trump: 'When can I start throwing black guys in jail? Soon, right?'

Racist-in-chief Donald Trump has reportedly complained to aides that he hasn't yet got to one of the bits of his Presidency he was most looking forward to – incarcerating black people without trial – or without a crime.

In a late night social media post, Trump began frothing at the mouth 'It's called the WHITE House for a reason. It's about time that American police forces got tougher on black people – a few more mysterious deaths whilst in custody. No more George Floyds though – evidence is bad!'

'I have removed of the Black Lives Matter Plaza mural in Washington, because black guys love fried chicken, so there aren't enough chickens, so there aren't enough eggs, so egg prices are going up. I am the egg man. Goo-goo g'joob.'

The Elon-bot bleeped in support 'I am African, so it's not racist. Unless Immigration are asking, in which case, I'm definitely American. African Americans are simply too lazy to inherit an emerald mine in an apartheid controlled regime, like me. So they should be in jail. Or working in the mine. As long as they are forced to work and they're not paid. And maybe there's a overseer. I'm just asking questions.'

Many, including some in the Republican party have condemned Trump's remarks.

One leading Republican said 'This is disgraceful and un American – being black, I mean. I support President Trump and everything he is doing. Lock them up. Lock them up.'

Image: WixAI

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Fire Brigade to scale back firefighting aspect of its role

The Fire Brigade, which was today praised for the progress it’s made in reducing racism, sexism and all other isms within its ranks, has announced that it’s going to focus on this - and stripping - in future rather than putting out fires.

'The Mayor of London has made it clear to me that this is the priority now,' said Chief Fire Officer Steve Makeweight today. 'It’s a different world, and we have to change with the times.

'And since these new guidelines don’t come with any new funding, they shouldn’t be surprised if we can’t devote so much time to putting out fires in future.'

He went on to say that he welcomed these new priorities because 'they’re much less expensive than actual firefighting.

'After all, you don’t need protective equipment to sit through endless meetings about diversity and sexist language in the workplace. They don’t make a suit that can protect you from condescension and mind-melting tedium.'

'Anyone physically able to be a fireman will be asked to become a fireman-stripper instead.'

Image: WixAI