Queues | NewsBiscuit

Average wait in Post Office queue worse than M25 rush hour

Chipchase
5 days ago

New research published today reveals the average wait in the queue of your local post office is more stressful than trying to navigate your way around the M25 in Friday afternoon rush hour.

Retail Analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains. ''You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with only two people in front of you, but our data shows 94% of the time the person at the window is sending 11 parcels to eBay customers.

'Just as they're about to leave you hear, "Oh, I had better get a book of stamps too while I'm at it," something that for some inexplicable reason adds at least another ten minutes to your wait.

'When they finally leave the window your stress levels have reached boiling point because the person now being served has forgotten the pin number for their card.

'Twenty minutes follows when they search every purse and pocket for a piece of paper they've written the number on and when they finally do find it the bloody till has frozen and it all needs rebooting again.'

Gavin Rochester a pensioner from Winchester said, 'People in the queue need to chill out. I remember once in my post office it took me three hours to buy 150 stamps for my Christmas cards. The woman gave me 1st class but I wanted 2nd. That caused a right old kerfuffle.

'People weren't too best pleased but it didn't bother me cos I got all the time in the world' It's normally nice and warm in there and with the price of heating these days it's win-win.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 22 Nov 2022

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How long is the queue now? Government issues common-sense units of measurement

ChrisF
Sep 18

As the queues to see the Queen lying in state get longer and longer, the government has helpfully released a series of new common-sense Units of Measurement to help people understand how long they will be shuffling along:

‘Glastonbury toilet queue’ – after 2 full days of drinking flat cider, and eating fatty burgers and chips, the Sunday morning queues for the bogs at Glastonbury are widely recognised as being ‘bastard long’. Expect similar lengths along the South Bank over the next 2 days, but with slightly less faecal matter and toilet paper swilling around on the floor.

‘Manchester Airport security queue’ – with bags having to be emptied and scanned before mourners file into Westminster Hall, the government have warned the public expect something like the length of the queues Manchester Airport Terminal 2 this August. Useful as a unit of measurement as it mentally prepares people for waits of up to 30 hours. However, please don’t ask the soldiers guarding the catafalque if there is a duty free shop anywhere nearby.

‘Harry Potter book release queue’ – for teenagers in the early 2000s, this measure invokes nostalgic images of queues miles long outside Asda when the final instalments of the Harry Potter book series were released. Lines of mourners may reach similar lengths on Sunday and Monday, say police, although they have cautioned that any Dumbledore and Hagrid costumes worn should be ‘suitably respectful’.

‘Next Boxing Day sale’ – documentation for Operation London Bridge is said to warn of worse case scenarios in which queues to the see the Monarch could be nearly as long as those at the Bluewater Next Store the day after Christmas. Using this unit of measurement may be avoided, however, in case it attracts people to the queue in anticipation of some cheap puffa jackets or oversize onesies.

‘80s dole queue’ – older mourners who were on the sharp end of tyrannical Thatcherite policies will immediately recognise this measure, as will fans of the film The Full Monty. Mourners will be politely advised not to spontaneously mimic the cast dancing in the queue to Hot Stuff as they walk past the coffin.

‘Aldi checkout queue’ – If crowds remain long on Sunday evening, the government has said it will introduce emergency measures to increase the pace of the queue, towards the levels regularly experienced by customers at Aldi checkouts. Highly trained staff from the discount supermarket will be bussed in, to ensure that up to up to 10,000 people every minute can speed through and pay their respects to the Queen.