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A man has expressed concern that he may have peaked too early in his sadness for the passing of the Queen, it has emerged.
Mike McBride has already had to dip deep into his reserves of go-to phrases to express his grief over the Queen's death, noting solemnly at least 100 times over the last 4 days to anyone who will listen that her steadfast duty is an example to us all, that she represented everything that was good about our nation, and that her sense of humour was surprisingly dry for a monarch.
McBride has already spent days glued to the armchair in his living room flicking between Sky News, BBC and ITV looking to pick up previously unknown nuggets about the Queen's life that he can scatter into his conversation, but knows that the hard yards are still ahead of him.
'I need to remember its a marathon not a sprint', said McBride. 'Operation London Bridge is only a quarter of the way through, and I'm already dangerously low on Queen-related conversation fuel'
'I do have an anecdote from a friend - or maybe it was Giles Brandreth on one of his hundred or so vox-pops? - who said he saw The Queen eating a ham sandwich out of a tupperware box when she attended the St Leger horse race one year - she really did have the common touch', said McBride. 'I was hoping to save this for the day of the funeral to impress friends and family, but I may have to kick for the home straight much sooner.'
'There's just no way I can continue at this level for another week', admitted McBride. 'I'm so knackered, I tried to cut and paste that picture of the Her Majesty holding hands with Paddington onto my Facebook profile page but ended up posting a photo of the weeds in the vegetable patch in my garden that I'd just taken, along with the message 'Rest in Peace Ma'am'. Nightmare.'
image from pixabay
Any reporting on non-Queen news is currently considered disrespectful. Even though BBC coverage is wall-to-wall royalist puff pieces, pomp and performative fawning, the Daily Mail and Express are waiting breathlessly to lambast the broadcaster for being insufficiently deferential. It's almost as though those articles had been written ages ago and will be published regardless. Go Team GB!
‘It’s disgusting’ raged Francesca Fraser, whose main hobby is buying commemorative Diana crockery online ‘Huw Edwards didn’t even howl and rent his garments. And Nicholas Witchell didn’t commit ritual suicide, to be buried at a suitably sycophantic distance from Westminster Abbey. It's what she would have wanted.'
Companies unrelated to anything monarchichal have issued bland statements and changed their logos to monochrome. Warren Wright was buying a new toaster when he noticed the toaster page of the retailer's website only had a small black banner morning Her Maj. 'It's disgusting. I immediately bought my toaster elsewhere. I may even find the face of the Queen on a piece of this toast. It's what she would have wanted.'
Meanwhile the Conservatives are furiously burying stories before people start paying attention again. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'It's not disgusting, more unsettling, one look into Liz's cold dead eyes - Liz Truss I mean. There's just so much bad news to bury, because Tory governments make life so awful for so many. We’ve also suppressed your right to protest about that. It's what she would have wanted.'
image from pixabay
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