Scientists warn about the effects of Nicholas Witchell

In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days.

Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich."

"Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantras such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or ‘It would be wrong to speculate but…” showing a level of infection not even Covid reached at it's peak. The NHS should be prepared for a wave of people infected with what SAGE are calling Witchell waffle ."

Bringing the emergency health bulletin to a close, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm, dressed in his beloved Boston United football kit warned, "People might think they can deal with it, but Witchell, whose overtime payments alone are set to be responsible for a doubling of the licence fee, has according to viewing figures already been on our TV screens for longer than the little girl who used to play naughts and crosses with her doll. Listen to the science. Our advice is stay away from your TV sets and mobile devices. Turn off your radios and for heaven's sake do not buy the Daily Mail until at least October."

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Poet Laureate marks the sad death of the Queen, with a limerick

Queen Elizabeth was a top bird,

Of whom no one can say a bad word.

But now she is dead,

So to rule us instead,

Here’s 'Old Big Ears', it's King Charles the third.

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Millions lining M6 to see funeral cortege pass through England left disappointed

Police estimate that over 20 million Englanders lined the M6 motorway to watch a cortege of hearses trundle between Carlisle and Birmingham. Initially it was thought that those gathered at Sandbach Services experienced the most disappointment, but as the coffin of Her Royal Highness transferred to a train at Dundee, it was Crewe station trainspotters who were most dejected to learn that she had ended up on a replacement bus service at Perth.

'It must have been a nightmare of a journey,' said one plebeian commuter. 'I can understand the decision to save on outrageous fuel prices. Do you know how much motorway services petrol costs these days? And if one has a publicly funded transport season ticket, then it makes sense to wring the last bit of value out of it.'

The plebian's husband annoyingly and pointlessly interrupted to add, 'The A9 is your best route, but south of Edinburgh I would have switched to the A7 down through Galashiels and Hawick, then cut across to join the A1 at the Kenton Bar Interchange.'

Reports have been strenuously denied that an important package was lost somewhere between Preston and Warrington.

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