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An increasing number of innocently whistling Russian troops are now stationed on the border with Ukraine. Russian government sources insist they are planning an invasion themed Christmas party and not an actual invasion.
A Russian army spokes-bear said ‘Don’t worry, it’s all socially distanced. Our 100,000 troops plus our tanks, artillery and snipers are all 2 metres from the border. We’re not 10 Downing Street and if Boris Johnson says invading Ukraine is a red line, he must be talking about Michael Gove cutting his cocaine with cranberry sauce. It’s surprisingly festive. Plus if his name is Boris, he probably works for us, know what I mean? Anyway, this will all be over by Christmas, so enjoy your gas supplies – for now.’
According to the UN, Russian troops have pulled out from the border with Ukraine following Liz Truss’ threat to deploy the ultimate deterrent – herself.
Russian President and sometime bare-chested taxi driver Vladimir Putin said she was violating international treaties and codes of conduct. After quaking in his boots for thirty seconds, he made a statement: ‘The reckless actions of ‘The Truss’ were those of a deranged madman, much like myself. I thought Johnson was the worlds worse foreign secretary, what with trying to start a war with me over my world cup and saying I was like Hitler.
This crazy woman is talking about banning the import of our world-famous Baboushka dolls, which account for over 91% of our economy. Imagine having her living next door?
The only way we can counter such a terrifying threat is to hope that our glorious revolutionary inter-continental self–aggrandising missiles will shut her the fuck up.’
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