top of page
Search
Following a stout campaign of misinformation, Boris Johnson has defeated Vladimir Putin's Russian forces advancing on Ukraine. He is to receive the highest honour Europe can bestow: the Yellow Star of Gratitude.
To distract from troubles back home, Boris hatched his epic 'Plan C' which began with a formidable strategy of doing absolutely nothing. When backed into a corner, he pretended to be writing a book about Winston Churchill while evading emergency COBRA meetings - a tactic not seen since the glorious days of the 'Kill as many Brits as possible in a pandemic' campaign.
A barrage of Boris babble misled everyone into believing that Putin was defeated, which a largely compliant press dutifully confirmed. With only a handful of individuals challenging the claims pouring from a robustly leaky Ukraine Research Group, there was no option but to accept his words as the facts on the ground.
On his return from the Russian front, It is understood that the Queen will place a sword on Boris Johnson's shoulder, and with a steady hand most definitely Knight him and absolutely not lop his head off.
All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.
“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.
“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.
“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.
“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.
"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?
“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.
“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”
bottom of page