Footballer admits that hand signals before a corner mean absolutely nothing

A Premier league footballer has admitted that the complex hand signals made to team mates just before taking a corner kick mean absolutely f*@k all. 

'They're all absolute bollocks to be fair', said Paul Jones, Brentford's reliable number 7. 'That one I do with my left arm aloft, 4 fingers raised - it really means nothing, mate'. 

'The long wait with both my arms straight in the air, looking over earnestly at Dave on the back post? Completely meaningless', continued Jones. 

'At the end of the day, there's only 2 types of corner - inswinger or outswinger', admitted Jones. 'If the ball lands on someone’s head? Pure luck'. 

Jones also revealed that when footballers were cupping their hands and whispering to each other before free kicks, they were likely to sharing a crude joke, or discussing which pub they'd be going to after the game. 

'Commentators and pundits read a lot into them, saying we’re tactical geniuses, but none of our signals or secret whispers mean a thing', said Jones. 'Oh, with one exception. That fast upward and downward movement with my hand in a fist shape, whilst mouthing 'W@*ker to the referee - that's totally genuine'.  

Newsbiscuit contributor – ‘A moment of madness'

A tearful Robowurzel announced last night that he was considering stepping back from contributing to Newsbiscuit – allegedly a top 10 (of something) in the world of satire.

He blubbed: 'In a moment of madness, okay actually about three years, I have been posting tasteless, puerile, politically, grammatically and punctuationally incorrect material that hopefully someone would find offensive. However all that resulted was a few ‘likes’, but mostly silence.

'I realise I have let myself down. But more than this I have let down my family, my friends (not that I have got many), the postman, the dog next door, Boris Johnson and others too few to mention.

'Unfortunately news of my shame has spread. The BBC has approached me to ask if I would be interested in becoming a football pundit. I pointed out that I hate the sport and know nothing about it. In response they offered to double my salary.'

Photo by dlxmedia.hu on Unsplash

Lord, give me strength