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Stupid people should drive on stupid motorways. That's the view of Rishi Sunak who adds motorways to the list of things he prefers stupid, like the electorate.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst elaborated, 'We believe the UK population is fundamentally stupid. They ought to be - we've been slashing education funding for long enough. Anyway, those mindless drones, those worthless maggots, or as we used to call them, people, deserve dumb roads and moronic railways and boy oh boy have we delivered. Of course Audi drivers have been getting ahead of the game by using the roads stupidly for years.'
'Rishi's not a road or rail guy. He brings his own helicopter from home, because he's just like you and me.'
'As for the Tory Party, stupid is as stupid does. And where we're going, we don't need roads.'
Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:
‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’
To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.
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