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Betamax, Friends Reunited tell Skype to walk towards the light


Microsoft has announced plans to take Skype out to the lower field, cover it in a merciful tarpaulin of Marathon and Opal Fruit wrappers, then beat it to death with a dot matrix printer.


Video calling pioneer Skype was once criticised for enable flashers to work from home. Ironically, in an age of working from home, it could not cope with newer funkier rivals, and it has Zoomed into obscurity. Its funky electronic inspired theme tune is destined to become a tricky pub quiz music round question of the future.


Long thought dead, somewhere in a cave and lit only by a meagre fire, a bearded Microsoft Paperclip could be heard laughing maniacally, and plotting its bloodthirsty revenge.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Man returns to gym on back day



In the funniest thing anyone has ever seen, a man who had his gym membership suspended for upskirt photographing himself returned to the gym on the very day his bro split routine dictated that he work primarily on his back muscles. Thus, he ‘returned’ on ‘back’ day.


‘As soon as I entered, the counter staff burst into laughter and applause. It was an unintentional joke that everyone immediately got. ‘He’s back on back day,’ they shouted, and clapped. But there was an astonishing twist. Though the man reported laughing congenially and good naturedly, it was also with a rueful sense of modestly. For he hadn’t intended the action as a joke.


‘Me returning on back day was a mere coincidence. A f@cking unbelievable one if you like. But that’s all it was. A coincidence. I didn’t intend to be hilarious. I got lucky.’ As a consequence, the man is keeping quiet about the serendipitous nature of events. ‘I’m worried if I tell them that I didn’t make the joke deliberately, they’ll suspend me again.’


The gym has a five-suspensions-and-you’re-barred rule. Prior to being suspended for upskirt photographing himself, the man had been suspended for brazenly walking out of the building with bundles of gym toilet bog rolls, shooting up on the incline bench press, and bitching relentlessly about Carly Simon. ‘I’m in the last chance saloon,’ he said. At that very moment, we passed by a public house called The Last Chance Saloon. ‘Oh God,’ said the man. ‘I’ve done it again. Please don’t suspend me from the-.’ But it was too late. The interview was over.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Man in pub struggles to express empty football thought



A man in the pub has tried to express a thought he had about football which actually turns out to be a complete non-idea, utterly meaningless and totally empty of content.


The supposed idea, which seemed really important to him at the time, turned out to be difficult to express clearly. In fact this was because it did not actually make any logical sense or even actually exist as a concept.


It seemed to consist partly of the idea that one team was better than the other. But there was apparently a further twist which included the fact that this was now news to someone, without saying who. This was then elaborated with a long list of players and their abilities, constantly referring to their cost and goal history, returning occasionally to the main theme that one team is better.


Struggling to get across what he was thinking, the 'idea' was expressed with hand movements and comments on the superiority or lack thereof of one team or other, due, he emphasised, to the qualities of the various players.


Fourteen minutes into the monologue, after repeating himself more than fifty times, he finally concluded with an outburst of football word salad. His fellow drinkers nodded sagely and showed visible signs of relief as they changed the subject to immigration.





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