Leaked plan to hold up placard behind Boris Johnson in PMQs

An audacious plan by Tory rebels to hold up a placard behind the PM that says "HE'S LYING AGAIN" has come to the knowledge of our political correspondent, however it's unclear how the plan can succeed, given the phalanx of Tory whips that now block the entrance to the Commons armed with pilums and the gladius, which by tradition, needs to be hung in the members' cloakroom to prevent blood being spilled on the luxurious Commons carpets and furnishings.

Boris Johnson's current biographer told us "This H&S nonsense is all part of the Johnson plan. He dreamed of being Julius Caesar when he was a nipper, then it was Winston Churchill, but now he dreams of being Vladimir Putin. He's already instructed Lulu Lytle to redesign his flat so that it can accommodate a dining table so long, he needs a telescope to see his wife and kids sitting at the other end of it; and his plans for the refurbishment of the Houses of Parliament are causing concern among architects in whether it's possible for each side of the chamber to hear each other, given the distance Johnson now wants between the despatch boxes.

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Politicians complain that mobs are starting to look unruly

A government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We would like all future protests to be polite and non-disruptive. Mass protests are uncomfortably crowded. Chanting is just plain noisy. And all those banners have far too many split-infinitives’.

Gone are the days when humble, working folk would gather at a local castle, armed with pitchforks and a list of demands, top of which was ‘death to the beast’. Now, all gatherings must be approved in triplicate, painted in magnolia and fronted by a Care Bear.

Remarked one suffragette: ‘Letting down tires is hardly the storming of the bastille. And booing a racist is pretty tame, even for a Jim Davidson gig’.

Woman Protester Mask - Free photo on Pixabay

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Roman opposition to HS2 found in Stoke Mandeville

Researchers have found Roman artefacts in Stoke Mandeville that suggests the Holy Roman Empire was vigorously opposed to the HS2 Project. Stone carvings with ' HS duo vade in domum tuam' chiselled out alongside 'Non In Mi Tincidunt'.

'It appears the NIMT culture, the Roman predecessor to the NIMBY movement, was very much well defined in AD 220,' said an archaeologist, explaining that objections to public baths in certain areas often met with opposition, with 'quatio tua publicis balneis tuum asinum' being a common refrain from Romans living in Britain at the time.

The contractors building the rail network originally expected to link London with the North West and North East of England, now fifteen times over budget and expected to terminate at Weston Turville, said that they would give the representations equal standing to more contemporaneous objections . 'We'll ignore them, just as the Romans would do. When in Rome...' he added.

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