Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

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COP26 ended by Patel raid for suspected foreigners

Despite COP26 taking place in Scotland and it not being her patch, Home Secretary Priti Patel has led a raid on a Glasgow conference centre. Directing the charge into the main hall, a wide-eyed and moderately salivating Patel pointed at anyone not looking or sounding entirely British. Border Force officials operating completely within the remit of new 'buildings suspected of containing foreigners' laws rushed through parliament last week, set about the crowds like windmilling baton machines.

Some viewers were said to be 'horrified' and 'couldn't understand why delegates were not being bludgeoned on a basis of their clearly labelled lanyards stating which country they were form.'

One transfixed viewer commented, 'It was a total bloodbath. An army of Border Force tough guys set about the crowds like they were clubbing baby seals. It's probable some genuine Brits were caught up in it all, but that's their own fault for associating with those sorts.'

The raid was described by a Conservative Party spokes-toff as. 'Possibly not the best look for an international conference on saving the planet, but it should go down very well with Conservatives on the south coast. As long as they know unnecessary harm is being inflicted on suspected foreigners, then they are happy. And that's the most important thing here.'

Boris Johnson was claimed to have expressed surprise at the raid. 'I thought the Home Secretary was supposed to clean the house and make my dinner?'

In what was clearly an unpleasant atmosphere of choking smirkiness, events took an ironic turn when in the ensuing frenzy Priti Patel herself was accidentally deported.

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Dominic Raab admits feeding a potential acid attacker to his pigs

Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him.

The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard.

Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orphans.”

“The threats were made to me personally and were quite graphic in their detail. He wasn’t so fucking cocky when I started smashing his door down with an axe.”

Raab then detailed how he abducted the individual with his trademark sneer before escorting him to his two-hundred acre Surrey estate.

Raab continued, “I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried to dispose of human remains, but pigs are terribly efficient at devouring what’s left of a terrorist after he’s been through a Biojack 300E – a machine primarily used for shredding timber.”

“Anyway, that’s where my twin porkers Hamble and Jemimah really came into their own.”

He added, “Anyone who’s ever taken lunch with Priti Patel in the Commons canteen will know what I’m talking about.”

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