Outcry as government to send refugees to Huddersfield

There has been widespread criticism of a new policy announced by Home Secretary and functioning sociopath Priti Patel to send refugees to Huddersfield for "processing" to see if they are eligible, if they aren't they are returned to the warzone where they came from, if they're unlucky they get to live in Huddersfield.

"This is a sensible policy.", explained Ms Patel, "I remember the looks on my parents' faces when I sent them to the Bileretch Retirement Home in Huddersfield, and that made me think that if one thing will deter refugees, it's Huddersfield."

Really, Boris? Really!

Government to conduct urgent national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking sandwiches?'

Despite a tsunami of scandals and corruption, the government is prioritising an immediate full spectrum national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking foie gras sandwiches? I bet it was you, Gove, you pilfering little twat.'

An unusually impassioned Downing Street spokewanker wailed, 'The entire nation demands their right to know what happened and who is to blame. No cost will be too great. No third world war distractions will swerve us from our path. No lessons will be learned. No stone will be left unturned in Michael Gove's faux stone-floored kitchen.'

In an attempt to throw dimwits off the scent, Michael Gove's office issued a statement in a completely innocent high-pitched tone of panic only dogs and Priti Patel could hear: 'This is a total witch hunt. Michael Gove's breath always smells of foie gras.'