First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair

Following weeks of desperate escape from war torn regions, and a terrifying encounter with Priti Patel after an 'interesting' journey across the English Channel, the first illegal immigrants, or refugees as they are sometimes referred as, have expressed 'deep regret' that they may now scheduled to fly to Rwanda by Ryanair.

'I can take the delays and the lousy airport food, but the 'upgrade' from a free seat to one with padding, arms, back and seat; the 'optional extra' for use of the indoor toilet in-flight for a surcharge, the charge for mediocre sandwiches at exorbitant prices and the mind boggling surcharges for one carry-on, two carry-ons or carry-ons with hold baggage that fail to address my handkerchief-tied-to-a stick luggage requirement,' said one of the first customers today. A spokesperson claiming to be from Ryanair said their pricing was fair and transparent, but insisted the length of the stick must not exceed 60cm, else a £20 - £40 surcharge will be payable, depending on the time of day.

Other travellers on the inaugural Rwanda flights are more pragmatic. 'It's a sh!t destination,' agreed one of them, 'but according to a spokesperson the nearest provincial airport to Kigali International Airport in Rwanda is Beauvais Tillé Airport in France, so I'll just hitch-hike back to Calais and jump on a li-lo,' he said.

image from pixabay

Rainbow reboot to feature senior Tories

ITV have announced that following the wave of nostalgia that the nation has been riding during the jubilee celebrations that they are to bring back the much loved Rainbow.

“The reboot of Rainbow will merge children’s programming of yesteryear with todays scripted reality programmes such as TOWIE and Made in Chelsea” said a senior figure within ITV.

Senior Tory grandees and ministers have been considered to be used in the programme. Meet some of the contenders.

Geoffrey - the educator of Bungle - Jacob Rees-Mogg

Zippy - a tangerine oval-headed puppet with a zip for a mouth - Boris Johnson

George - a shy pink hippo - George Eustace

Bungle - An out of his depth, inquisitive simpleton - Grant Shapps

Rod - Rishi Sunak

Jane - Nadine Dorries / Michael Fabricant role share

Freddy - Grant Shapps

Aunty - Priti Patel / Liz Truss in a role share

Each episode will feature a song by pastel dungaree wearing Rod, Jane and Freddy explaining the intricacies of economics, foreign policy or domestic policy issues of a day, that simply explains the issues in way that even they can understand.

Photo by Alex Jackman on Unsplash

Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/