Windrush monument ‘deported to Caribbean for having wrong paperwork’ confirms Patel

A special monument dedicated to the Windrush pioneers who arrived in Britain to start a new life over 50 years ago has been deported to the Caribbean just hours after being formally unveiled at London Waterloo station.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge joined members of the Windrush generation to mark the landmark occasion but were brushed aside by a team of Counter Terrorism Officers who cuffed the statue before bundling it into the back of an incident response vehicle and driving it off to the airport.

The £1m statue had only been in place for a matter of minutes before being hauled down and packed off to Jamaica ‘because yet again it had the wrong sort of paperwork’ confirmed a spokesperson for the Home Secretary.

The spokesperson also claimed the mountain of suitcases on which the man, woman and child were standing had probably been stolen at some point on their journey and so the family were being deported as a precaution.

Despite coming from Stroud in Gloucestershire - having never even set foot in the Caribbean - the monument now faces an uncertain future when it touches down 4500 miles from its UK home.

‘OK…so we can’t be absolutely sure the suitcases were stolen….but I would bet that at the very least they have been tampered with and things are probably missing.

That’s good enough reason for me to deport anyone’ said Ms. Patel

Government to set fire to immigrants as best deterrent to people smugglers who've already been paid

Following the complete collapse of the rendition to Rwanda wheeze, the cleverest people in the land who really know what they are doing have hastily announced a new flagship immigration policy. A government spokesperson explained, 'What we need to do is get on and lash immigrants to stakes all along the Kent coast and set fire to them. That will send a clear message to people smugglers and they will all stop what they are doing immediately.'

European, American, Asian and African leaders wiped the vomit from their chins and responded with the strongest condemnation of the latest UK government immigration policy. 'I have never heard of such cruelty,' said Vladimir Putin. 'And this from the country which itself acknowledged human rights in 1215, specifically stating that incarceration of people offshore must cease immediately.'

An experienced people smuggler from the trafficking industry confirmed, 'Setting fire to immigrants who have already paid us to traffic them to Britain doesn't appear to cost us very much. Our consultancy firm based in London has looked at the numbers, and it seems like we can continue to smuggle people sustainably to the UK from everywhere for the next 86 years.

'Now I think about it, because the UK government has never even tried anything realistic to disrupt our continental operations, it might be worthwhile upping our numbers for maximum profitability while the going is so good. I should send Boris Johnson and Priti Patel a thank you note for assisting us; our operatives in the English Channel have reported that night time smuggling has suddenly become much easier, although have expressed concern for the new zero targets.

'However, I must say that we are disappointed that the flights to Rwanda thing didn't work. It would have given us the opportunity to traffic them back to Britain again.'

Image: suhasrawool | Pixabay

Outside Priti Patel's office