UK Government to introduce JailBNB

The measures are a revolutionary new service that will allow the public to become 'Guest Guards' making their home secure and safe to temporarily hold the nation's convicted criminals.

'Obviously, the scheme won't extend to the the prison population's most dangerous felons', said a Ministerial aide, 'but I could certainly see a stalker, an aggravated assault inmate or even a convicted fraudster banged up in a semi in Brentford or Huddersfield. It just makes sense.'

The scheme is looking to be rolled out next year and is already looking extremely popular especially to those with unused bedrooms and the 'empty nesters' whose offspring have flown the coup for University or to live away from the familial home.

'Joan moved to Bath to do her Liberal Arts degree', Mr Richard Holmes of Worthing told us, 'so we've applied to take a low level nonce or a internet harrasser into her room. We've sorted the locks and there's bars on the windows already. It's a welcome income stream as we head towards retirement. Not sure what we'll do at Christmas yet but I'm sure everyone will budge up!"

Mr Holmes told us that his wife, Debbie, was looking forward to being a 'right nasty screw'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Overcrowded prisons great news for shady Tories

Concerns had been raised that crooked conservatives were 'looking a bit uneasy', but it appears they are now 'soothed' by news that that prisons have reached capacity.

Campaigner for crooked politicians, Norbert Hermington, said "there'd been some serious nerves about the possibility that they might get their comeuppance, but with this news they're thankfully sleeping easy."

He went on to thank the Government for their policy of filling the jails with climate change protesters and petty criminals, and the Ministry of Justice for underfunding the courts. There was special mention to Boris Johnson for both failing to deliver the jails and extra spaces he promised, as well as extending stop-and-search.

The Prison Minister (formerly the Prisons Minister), Duncan Thwaite, said that the reassurance felt in many quarters was a testament to his department's work to ensure that the prison couldn't be at capacity, citing the inability to employ enough staff, several wings not being maintained as fit for purpose, and the limited access to rehabilitation programmes.

Tory voter, Don Hobart, said "I couldn't bear to think how distressed they were about maybe going down for all this corruption. I'm glad they can now go back to their mansions and palaces to peacefully wallow in their ill-gotten gains.

"I was worried about being voted out," said bent backbencher Alison Toppingham. "Obviously I'm still going to be voted out, but now I'm not worried."

image from pixabay

How to make millions AND put crazy-rich arseholes in prison

An enterprise from Cambridge has won 'best newcomer' at the International Business Awards. Holly Carter, founder of TA-x, explained the complexities of her innovative business model: 'Tax accountants are never prosecuted or sent to jail. Unless it is embezzlement of their client's money, they are protected under the law. But their clients can be prosecuted, even if they are completely unaware of what crafty tax avoidance mechanisms their accountant is employing. Also, tax accountants get paid a f*cking fortune. 'The innovation I came up with was to attract a whole load of filthy rich clients by convincing them I could save them more tax than anyone else by using an exclusive new system I have developed called SFA-x. It sounds so bewilderingly complex, that clients pretend they understand it, but have no idea what the hell is going on. They are crazy-rich thickos who hate saying they don't understand something, so they just nod and go "yah, yah" to everything I say. 'I take a ludicrously large retainer fee, and the genius part is what I do next. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not a sausage. When investigated, I get off scot-free, and they all get banged up. So it's a win-win scenario where I retire to the Cayman Islands as a 24-year-old millionaire, and cheating, rotten wankholes who sold their own grannies to make a quick buck, are left to rot in jail for not paying their fair share of taxes. 'If other accountants globally all used my method at the same time, the planet-destroying ruling classes would be overthrown, evaded taxes would be recouped, and the rest of us would all be saved.'

Income Tax Calculation Calculate - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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