'Behind closed portcullises' - Megxit Netflix XXX for Royals

Meghan and Harry’s new Netflix documentary ‘Behind closed Portcullises’ aims to smash the Palace back doors in and spill the caviar. An additional 'get to f*ck' was thrown in for good measure, personally aimed at Wills and Kate, with the release date timed with the Cambridge’s ‘landmark US tour.’

The tour, which America has deemed ‘totally unnecessary,’ will see the future King and Queen carted around America on a golden chariot, led by 12 white ponies and fanned by 55 slaves walking alongside, barefoot.

The total cost is believed to be £5 trillion which will be funded by the taxpayer, as well as specially selected children’s charities close to the Cambridge’s heart.

The stakes are high for the Royals. A royal insider said: 'It’s long been known that there are racist vampires residing at Buckingham Palace. Not Prince Philip, he was racist but not a vampire. Meghan and Harry have bought a series of very tall stakes, which they are currently sharpening and plan to use to purge the Palace of this evil once and for all.'

Image: Tumisu | Pixabay

Queen apologises for not bringing One's own booze

In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.

'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.

'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.

Images: Pixabay/Baralous