Disgraced prince to spend Christmas at Andringham

Prince Andrew has announced that he will be spending Christmas at his beloved bedsit "Andringham" in Peckham.

"I asked if the the King and his wider family would care to join me for a Christmas Day fry-up at Johnnie's Cafe on Peckham High Street. Although unable to attend, his majesty did express regret and included the term "king" many times in his response."

Royal correspondents have been given access to the exclusive range of vapes, fake tattoos, power pre-payment cards and ethanol-based cocktails that will be available to attendees, and Ghislaine Maxwell is expected to join for a short Zoom call from her straitjacket in the US.

The Prince's representative confirmed that he is expected to celebrate the new year at his other regal residence, Immoral, in Scotland, and us looking-forward to engaging in his favourite pastime, Trainspotting.

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No mince-spies for Andrew

Prince Andrew has been banned from the Royal Christmas, following his links to Chinese spies - as opposed to his links to sex traffickers, which is more of a Halloween event. An insider confirmed: 'Andrew has said he has cut off ties with the Chinese, but he'll be hungry for more in a hour.'

Andrew still remains in the line of succession, but now sonewhere behind Prince Assad. On his coat of arms is latin motto is 'Persona non grata' and the picture of Jimmy Savile.

He will now be enjoying Christmas Home Alone, although family members have said they would rather he Die Hard. PR wise he is the Nightmare Before Xmas. He has also been warned not to date any more teenage girls - as this is not Love, Actually. How he got away with it before is a Miracle on 34th Street, but being the Queen's favourite means you are immune to prosecution - proving It's A Wonderful Life.

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Diddy strongly denies Andrew was at one of his parties

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