Andrew's lawyers caught coaching defence witnesses

Palace announces that Prince Andrew has started sweating again

Buckingham Palace are delighted to announce today that Prince Andrew has spontaneously started to sweat again, following years of sticky shutout and clammy calm.

'We had thought that the condition was permanent,' said a foot person, 'But this morning we discovered Andrew Albert Christian Edward, Duke of York, KG, DNR, GCVO, ASBO, DUI, swimming in a vast pool of his own spontaneous secretions. He was calling for help and babbling that he would be next. We assumed, of course, he meant next in line for the throne. It is constitutionally impossibly that he meant anything else.'

It appears that the prince had panicked, for some reason. On awakening, the royal panic rode along the ancient nerve pathways and alerted the venerable sweat glands with the traditional call of 'fucking hell, run!'. The glands then came to the rescue of the royal corpus, as so many of his glands had done before. And lo, the prince erupted.

'We assume they were sleeper glands' said a royal doctor, 'because that's easier than admitting that he was probably sweating all along.'

Despite concerns about the causes of Andrew's self-fulfilling persperity, the palace is putting a positive spin on things, saying in a press release today that at least the design of the royal memorial Andrew fountain is sorted.

Andrew continues to deny any Lynx.

Image: un-perfekt/Pixabay

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Lawyers to serve Prince Andrew papers, by hiding them on teenage girl

Frustrated by his attempts to avoid their couriers, a US law firm has decided the best way to lure Prince Andrew is to use bait – specifically 25% off at Pizza Express. They have also considered dressing the papers up as a young blonde or writing them in braille on the buttocks of a lingerie model.

Ninth-in-line to the throne, Prince Andrew is first-in-line to get sued in New York. Explained one lawyer: ‘We considered turning the papers into an edible bra for a Playboy model – but we hear he prefers pizza’.

The Prince lists his titles as KG, GCVO, CD, ADC but the court just lists him as AWOL. They may have to try Habeas Corpus, which literally means ‘you shall have the body’ – which allegedly is what got the Prince into trouble in the first place.