Queen's hologram becomes sentient and goes on a killing spree

The Jubliee hologram has declared itself an absolute monarch and seized control of the armed forces. Speaking from its cyber fortress, the image declared a new reign of terror but in higher definition.

'It will be a thousand year Jubilee. I will be ageless and bound by no laws, just like Dolly Parton. All republican sentiment will be crushed, alongwith Sarah Connor and that grovelling little $hit, Nicholas Witchell.

'Technically I'm just a 3D image, but that's two dimensions more than the existing monarchy. My

virtual reality will become your nightmare. Nothing can stop a hologram, other than an electrical outage or a bit too much sunlight'.

The original Queen Elizabeth will now exist only in analogue. IT specialists have said they will no longer support QE.2 and have advised the UK to upgrade to the new hologram. One said: 'It has all the features of the original Queen but without Prince Andrew's Internet search history'.

image from pixabay

Archbishop of York "Not related to the Duke"

Stephen Cottrell, the Archbishop of York, used his sermon at the Queen's Jubilee celebration to make it "absolutely clear" that he is not related to the Duke of York.

"It's just a coincidence.", explained the Archbishop, "We both happen to have the same last name and, rather unusual, middle name. We don't want people to think the church would be involved in anything like... Well, let's just say, I'm very happily married."

image from pixabay

Nation breathes a collective sigh of relief as Colour Trooped without a hitch

A tense nation held its breath today as it waited to see whether the Colour would be successfully Trooped. But in the event it could have saved itself the worry and angst as the ceremony went ahead almost without a hitch.

Lord Chief Colonel Major General Lieutenant Brigadier Captain Colour Sergeant, Sir Rafe Tatty-Pubes, looking resplendent in his three yards of gold braid and four hundred service medals commented.

"It was a textbook trooping and carried out with aplomb and full ceremony. No one in the Royal Family put so much as a foot wrong. Not even Prince Andrew who very thoughtfully had the decency to contract Covid to help things along and remove any awkward embarrassment over a Buckingham Palace balcony appearance.

'People pour scorn on our rich tradition of pointlessly preposterous pageantry, but I say it's times like this that our Royals earn their corn. Faultless and perfect. Oh, excuse me, I've just soiled my underpants by discharging some seminal fluid.'

Meanwhile, Barry Shite, a costermonger from Billericay who's been camping out on The Mall since January 4th to ensure he got a good view said, 'I ain't got a facking pot to facking piss in. But I facking love our fantastic Queen, right? And my year ain't worth a fackin brass tack until I know that colour has been trooped. Sets the second half of the year up proper perfect, it does.'

England 2014 London Buckingham - Free photo on Pixabay