'You don't need a degree to be a Prime Minister as incompetent as me'

Any of the last five polished Prime Minister turds could have said these words, so it doesn't matter which f*cking one. All demonstrated A-stars in cowardice, earned a First in tragic incompetence, graduated with full honours in piss poor decision making, and were top of their classes in disguising basic knowledge acquisition.

Random chimps with no formal education at all would have done better.

Unhelpfully, there isn't a random chimp party you can vote for, so we're all still stuck with this procession of brain ache.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/pixel-mixer-1197643/

www.newsbiscuit.com

Berlusconi dyes for the last time

Noted Italian tax criminal Silvio Berlusconi has dyed for the last time, tragically young, at 86. Unofficially, the cause of unrealistically black hair was an attempt to complete his impressive STD collection. You gotta catch 'em all.

His role as Prime Minister of Italy constantly interfered with his most important work as inventor of the sex party.

Sadly, this meant he had less time to devote to his true passions: plastic surgery, fraud, and bunga-bungaring Moroccan-born under-age exotic dancers.

Boris Johnson’s office issued a short statement: ‘Game recognise game.'

Contributions from and a hat tip to Myke.

Image from Pixabay by Potsdamn:

https://pixabay.com/photos/politician-dolls-voodoo-merkel-2360120/

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso