Berlusconi dyes for the last time

Noted Italian tax criminal Silvio Berlusconi has dyed for the last time, tragically young, at 86. Unofficially, the cause of unrealistically black hair was an attempt to complete his impressive STD collection. You gotta catch 'em all.

His role as Prime Minister of Italy constantly interfered with his most important work as inventor of the sex party.

Sadly, this meant he had less time to devote to his true passions: plastic surgery, fraud, and bunga-bungaring Moroccan-born under-age exotic dancers.

Boris Johnson’s office issued a short statement: ‘Game recognise game.'

Contributions from and a hat tip to Myke.

Image from Pixabay by Potsdamn:

https://pixabay.com/photos/politician-dolls-voodoo-merkel-2360120/

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso

Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course

Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, Lee Anderson, has expressed regret at exceeding the national spending limit of 30p in built-up areas.

The government department for Getting Senior Ministers Off, now the largest sector of the Civil Service, said, 'Mr Anderson should have known better, as it was he who imposed the 30p spending limit himself. He approached us about attending a specially organised one-to-one spending awareness course, but we were already overstretched getting the former Attorney General Suella Braverman off all the laws she has been breaking.'

Rishi Sunak has denied that he knew about Lee Anderson's transgression which took place last summer. He also denied keeping that nugget in his top pocket until such time as 30p Lee might undermine his position in an attempt to become Prime Minister himself, to then use it as a shot across his bows, or even as the reason to sack him from his senior position in that special way which can only be referred to as a resignation.

In an unrelated fiasco, Suella Braverman has claimed that she already knew everything there is to know about speed after a night out with Michael Gove.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

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