Come again?!

New UK Prime Minister is David Tully from Rochdale

An unknown independent candidate who only entered a Rochdale byelection race 4 weeks ago has swept to victory, claiming the top job at Number 10.

Trouncing the Conservative candidate, but finishing second to a cat, means that David Tully is automatically installed as Prime Minister according to the new rules of UK democracy applied by the Tories to install Rishi Sunak.

Sunak himself also finished second in a vote, but when it was realised that he had been beaten by a rotting salad, a swift and sneaky change of the rules meant that he was allowed to take office and run an entire country.

The total number of votes received by Rishi Sunak in order to become Prime Minister is disputed. Those who were initially supposed to vote, got it bed-crappingly wrong, so their vote was ignored, along with the votes of their dead pet pangolins. Then when it was decided that only close chums who might get a cushy job from Rishi were allowed to vote, they just about managed to squeeze him first past the post in a one horse race.

But now David Tully has received an amount of actual real votes, and thousands more than Sunak did to be handed the job while also not coming first, then it is simply new unwritten constitutional law that he is automatically installed as Prime Minister.

As an inexperienced independent, no one is quite sure what David Tully stands for, or what his key macroeconomic policies on fiscal recovery might be. Politically, however, this makes him no different than any of the last 73 Conservative Prime Ministers since the word 'woke' was redefined.

image from pixabay

writer: SteveB

If you can't get a pharmacist appointment - try eBay, says PM

'Some people think we've been unreasonable, suggesting that to solve the GP appointment crisis they should use their pharmacist,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'Did the PM mention his father was a pharmacist?  Well don't bother asking him to help, he's the Prime Minister's dad, for goodness sake,' he added, noting that the Prime Minister's Father-in-Law also wasn't available for consults unless they involve multi-billion-pound government contracts. 

Critics have suggested that pharmacists, while well qualified to count pills, mix medicines and search Google as well as any GP to explain a nasty rash on the end of an over-used penile extension, are also rather busy dispensing flu, covid and pneumonia jabs in lieu of GPs already at £50 a jab, and the public will have to wait several days if they want advice ostensibly for free.  The government has, incredibly, another layer of solution - use eBay.

'eBay has everything you will need - steroids, topical creams, homeopathic solutions sold in tiny packages,' said the spokesman, adding, 'it has already revolutionised dentistry with all the tools needed to extract your own teeth readily available,' he said, adding, 'and don't forget the dark web - the government will provide access to that medium for people too lazy to wait four weeks to see a GP or ten weeks for an emergency operation,' he said.

In other news the government announced that in addition to selling off £50K ventilators for £150 a pop they are selling fully kitted ambulances for scrap.  'With our new initiatives it's unlikely anyone will survive long enough for an ambulance to arrive to pick them up, so why bear the cost of maintaining them?' asked a senior government minister.

Photo by Serkan Yildiz on Unsplash