There's a hole in my budget dear Keir

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir, dear Keir,

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir, a hole.

Then mend it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

Then mend it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, mend it.

With what shall I mend it, dear Keir, dear Keir?

With what shall I mend it, dear Keir, with what?

With taxation, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

With taxation, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, taxation.

There's nothing left to tax, dear Keir, dear Keir,

There's nothing left to tax, dear Keir, nothing left.

Then grow the economy, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

Then grow the economy, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, grow the economy.

With what shall I grow the economy, dear Keir, dear Keir?

With what shall I grow the economy, dear Keir, with what?

With infrastructure spending, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

With infrastructure spending, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, infrastructure spending.

Spending needs money, dear Keir, dear Keir,

Spending needs money, dear Keir, needs money.

Then budget for it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, dear Rachel,

Then budget for it, dear Rachel, dear Rachel, budget for it.

But there's a hole in my budget dear Keir, dear Keir,

There's a hole in my budget dear Keir, a hole

Image: Pixabay/Mohamed_Hassan

Mrs Merkle Investigates spawns UK copycat dramas

The success of 'Mrs Merkle Investigates', which follows the intrepid ex Chancellor of Germany solving complex crimes has spawned a number of similar dramas about to hit UK screens.

First off is 'Rishi Sunak Investigates', where the plucky but dethroned Prime Minister shuns California for a run-down office over a kebab shop in the Old Kent Road.  In the pilot episode Rishi investigates where all the money has gone and traces a major loss of sovereign funds to around 2008 and determines that the Labour government did it.  Further investigation reveals a shady group of investment bankers betting against the pound amid a global financial crisis, which Rishi would prefer isn't mentioned.  Rishi has declined to make any further episodes.

In 'Liz Truss Investigates', the former Prime Minister is battling against time as an iceberg lettuce is held to ransom while she investigates where all the money went.  In the course of a thankfully very short episode Truss is brought face-to-face with the mysterious Kwasi Kwarteng and declares the 'blob, mainly the Labour government' were the cause of the loss.  The production company has declined to extend the series beyond the pilot but have offered the lettuce its own series.

'Boris Johnson Investigates' makes Columbo look like a well-dressed man about town as BoJo solves mysteries such as where all the money went while playing wiff-waff and hanging from seized zip-lines wearing union flag underwear.  BoJo discovers the money has been syphoned off to a mysterious cartel only known as 'The Chums' and concludes it is the fault of both the last and the current Labour governments.  The production company is considering commissioning this series as there is zero costs in wardrobe or hairdressing involved.

In 'Theresa May Investigates' the former Prime Minister dons her leather red trousers for one more investigation, this time to find out how the Grenfell tragedy could attract so much attention.  She concludes there was a major lack of investment in social housing with large amounts of money being diverted to Tory Party donors instead.  She concludes that it was all Labour's fault while the letters making up the sign of her detective agency fall off during the summary where she has all the Labour shadow ministers sat around while she lays the blame squarely at their feet while dancing to a seventies disco classic.  Unlikely to be commissioned.

'David Cameron Investigates' starts off promisingly with a long shot of Cameron extracting his penis from a stuffed pig's head. Cameron insists he's no Tom Cruise who famously does all his own stunts but admits to doing the pig's head stunt because 'he enjoys it'.  Cameron is investigating where all the money has gone and why the country has entered into a long period of self-harm starting with voting to leave the EU.  He concludes that Labour is the cause for Brexit by failing to win the previous election.  The producers have promised to can the series, but will ensure the opening shots are broadcast on TV every night for the rest of eternity, or until the UK rejoins the EU.

Nigel Farage Investigates is based in an empty, unused office in Clacton, written for a cast of five where Nigel investigates ghost candidates and an abuse of short money.  Nobody asks where the money has gone because that isn't a mystery.  The programme is scheduled for never, ever being shown.  Or filmed.

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Larry greets Keir Starmer and his new ministers

'Ah, Mr Starmer!  I've been expecting you' Larry the cat is reported to having said as Britain's new prime minister eventually found his way to No. 10 downing Street for a confidential inaugural meeting.

Asked later by the world's press how well they got on, Larry was taciturn.  'We'll have to see how well Sir Keir and his colleagues shape up' mouthed the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office as he strolled back to his official quarters 'but it will be good if this is the start of a few years consistency and continuity.  And without any of my staff thinking they have to stand outside in the pouring  rain to make a speech.  I'm a cat, so obviously I would never do anything as dumb as that.'

Photo by Manja Vitolic on Unsplash