Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard

Usually it takes a full four years for a PM to look like a harbinger of death and Saga Holidays. However Starmer has gone full evil early on. Even John Major took a whole term to become that grey, and that was mainly caused by seeing Edwina Curry naked.

Margaret Thatcher lost body mass but gained a half metre of additional back-combed helmet. Tony Blair took decades to become an endgame Lich from Dungeons & Dragons. Johnson slowly morphed into a hairstack. Although, to be fair, Liz Truss did become a lettuce overnight.

Just because he looks 80, Starmer will not be eligible for the pensioner's winter fuel allowance. Although, ironically, no one else will either.

Image: Michellezallouaa - Pixabay

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Joy in Brexit camp as Barnier annoys French just as much

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New Austerity is going to be so much cooler than old Austerity

The Chancellor reassured the nation that her reboot of the George Osborne franchise will be sexier than ever and that her gruel will be thinner than all the rest. Said one Labour voter: 'This is exactly what I voted for. Tory policies but with a Brit Pop soundtrack.'

Her aide explained: 'We'll put a cap on luxury goods. Not yachts. Children. And it's about time people started to pay their taxes. The billionaires? Gosh, no! I mean those disabled pensioners – hoarding all their wealth by not switching the heating on and rolling around in their gold-plated wheel chairs.

'We can only grow the economy by beating it round the the head with a baseball bat and then setting fire to it. There are no free lunches – unless you're a banker- people need tough love, fiscal discipline and rickets. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Except we forget the sugar and the spoon is a fist. Open wide!'

Image; pixabay/paulbloch