‘Racism not okay on social media but fine in my newspaper column’, PM explains

The crude use of emojis on social media is not an acceptable form of racism in our society, but lording Britain’s former colonial rule over African nations in his newspaper column is absolutely fine, Boris Johnson explained during the latest PMQs.

After being pressed to elaborate further, Johnson was reported by a spokesperson as saying, “Prejudiced plebs who can’t even speak Latin repeatedly bashing a button on their dimwit devices” was in no way comparable to him “merely highlighting the obvious fact that the English always have and always will be vastly superior to any other people on the planet.”

When it was pointed out that the Prime Minister’s comments were slightly contradictory to say the least, Johnson is said to have said that the truth “is jolly well there for all to see in black and white”, an assertion which none of his opponents could argue with.

COVID beaten, PM confirms

Thanks to Britain's world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.

Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.

'We've seen it off and that's an end to it once and for all. We've tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.', the PM is thought to have said.

'It certainly won't be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre', he continued. 'But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that's highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won't have been following our latest and most excellent advice.'

‘Hancock genius' remark signals Rees-Mogg's return to frontline politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.

The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.

On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’

‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’