Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate

Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.

A government spokestosser confirmed, 'Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn't do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.

'Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn't happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is 'doing a Gove'. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.'

In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.

‘Racism not okay on social media but fine in my newspaper column’, PM explains

The crude use of emojis on social media is not an acceptable form of racism in our society, but lording Britain’s former colonial rule over African nations in his newspaper column is absolutely fine, Boris Johnson explained during the latest PMQs.

After being pressed to elaborate further, Johnson was reported by a spokesperson as saying, “Prejudiced plebs who can’t even speak Latin repeatedly bashing a button on their dimwit devices” was in no way comparable to him “merely highlighting the obvious fact that the English always have and always will be vastly superior to any other people on the planet.”

When it was pointed out that the Prime Minister’s comments were slightly contradictory to say the least, Johnson is said to have said that the truth “is jolly well there for all to see in black and white”, an assertion which none of his opponents could argue with.

COVID beaten, PM confirms

Thanks to Britain's world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.

Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.

'We've seen it off and that's an end to it once and for all. We've tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.', the PM is thought to have said.

'It certainly won't be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre', he continued. 'But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that's highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won't have been following our latest and most excellent advice.'