HS2 to be replaced by water slides

The government has scrapped the HS2 high-speed rail line and intends to replace it with a network of water slides. The Prime Minister announced that this would mean faster travel times between all major UK towns and cities at least 5 years earlier than planned. Travellers will be provided with towels at former railway stations and there will be vending machines providing commuters with goggles, hot drinks, Frazzles, and those rubber socks for in case you catch a verruca.

Labour has accused the Government of reneging on their election promises but a Minister for the Department Transport told us Labour were just jealous. “Our water slides will be environmentally friendly, compared to other means of transport, and many jobs will be created in water proof ticket sales and employing people with big rubber-tipped sticks to stop any fatties getting stuck in the pipes and clogging the system.”

During PMQs, Mr Johnson refused to comment on rumours that the East Midlands-Leeds high-speed line would not be upgraded to water slides but will be just a regular log flume built on the current railway lines.

Water Park Slide The Sun - Free photo on Pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Female Swedish PM returns in Scandinavian noir twist	Only at Amazon	Cricket tour Down Under goes into 15th year

Entire HS2 scrapped and replaced with Downing Street to Chequers jetpacks

Tory MP’s in red wall areas were left speechless and outraged after Downing Street’s latest levelling up transport announcement. People in the North had their hopes of a high-speed rail network crushed as the government condemned them to another hundred years of overcrowded piss-filled trains and wonky level crossings.

Sir Tarquin Ogilvy MP (Ebahgumshire South) said he was appalled at the decision. “All they are doing is upgrading the crisps on the Batley to Grimthorpe mainline from Walkers to the hand-cooked kettle variety. With the price of a first-class return from Bradford to Scumton at over £13,000 off-peak, it’s going to price most universal benefit claimants off the railways and back onto their pit ponies.”

A government spokesman said it was vital that a global Britain had a Prime Minister who could literally jet off to Chequers whenever he felt the need to avoid any inconvenient car crashes.

Jet Pack Rocket Propel - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	Order now for Christmas	Something Different
Labour leader calls for resignation of 1980s amorous TV milkman	Only on Amazon	UN breaks Guinness World Record for environmental pledges abandoned

Air con more expensive than cocaine

The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.

An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:

'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'

A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:

'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'