Entire HS2 scrapped and replaced with Downing Street to Chequers jetpacks

Tory MP’s in red wall areas were left speechless and outraged after Downing Street’s latest levelling up transport announcement. People in the North had their hopes of a high-speed rail network crushed as the government condemned them to another hundred years of overcrowded piss-filled trains and wonky level crossings.

Sir Tarquin Ogilvy MP (Ebahgumshire South) said he was appalled at the decision. “All they are doing is upgrading the crisps on the Batley to Grimthorpe mainline from Walkers to the hand-cooked kettle variety. With the price of a first-class return from Bradford to Scumton at over £13,000 off-peak, it’s going to price most universal benefit claimants off the railways and back onto their pit ponies.”

A government spokesman said it was vital that a global Britain had a Prime Minister who could literally jet off to Chequers whenever he felt the need to avoid any inconvenient car crashes.

Jet Pack Rocket Propel - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

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Air con more expensive than cocaine

The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.

An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:

'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'

A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:

'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'

Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate

Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.

A government spokestosser confirmed, 'Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn't do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.

'Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn't happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is 'doing a Gove'. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.'

In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.