Self isolation to be measured in nanoseconds, unless you are Prime Minister

The government has admitted to following the science, if only out of curiosity, and has determined that isolating for extended periods isn't actually that necessary.

Unless you notionally run the country, in which case it's imperative that you self isolate at the first inkling that someone you are remotely related to has tested positive, even if you no longer admit to being their father or seeing them. Apparently the virus can reverse itself up the maintenance BACS payment into your account, through your wallet and into your body, so best be careful.

For everyone else, from Monday the self isolation period will be limited to the time it takes to drive to work, unless you travel by public transport, in which case it will be limited to however long it takes to walk to the bus stop or railway station. 'We can't put a defined time on the isolation,' a government minister said today, 'because you might have a half hour walk to the station, or you might have a bus stop outside your door. Anyhow we've really gone to town with the science now. We've asked them what is the shortest period of measurable time and they tell us it's the nanosecond, so that'll do. Now get back to work you work shy bastards, and don't cough all over me again. No -one is exempt.

'Apart from you Prime Minister, of course,' he added.

Alone Quarantine Pandemic - Free photo on Pixabay

Downing Street parties now dominant strand of Johnson incompetence

Revelations of Downing Street parties during from the pandemic are growing exponentially, and are now the dominant strand of Boris Johnson incompetence, it has been revealed

'Earlier strands of incompetence from Johnson were quite virulent, for sure', noted one leading epidemiologist today. 'His newspaper writing for the Telegraph and Spectator are particularly toxic. And his general buffoonery has certainly transmitted widely in the community, and is probably best now seen as endemic.'

'But this latest strand is spreading like wildfire. It seems to be incubated particularly well by close bystanders to Johnson, but once airborne, it is taking hold just by standing close to a TV, or scrolling through your Twitter feed.'

The R number for reports of illegal gatherings at Number 10 during lockdown is now at 4.9, meaning for every party reported in the press, Dominic Cummings is frantically blogging away about 5 more.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Johnson says he didn't realise parties were work

Boris Johnson's office has clarified that the reason he only stayed at the Downing Street 'work meeting' for 25 minutes was that he didn't realise that he worked there. In fact, according to a statement released exclusively to his most trusted media organisation (NewsBiscuit), he has only recently become aware that he is the Prime Minister of the UK.

"I may have spent some time in Downing St, but I thought I was at a party, and so I take no responsibility for our tragically chaotic on-off covid response and anything else that may have happened in the last 2 years" says the letter. "I suppose, looking back, it was a very long-running party, and I did wonder why people kept going on about politics - i mean, 'what should we do about Europe?' f@*ked if I know, or care. Yes, and there was this little scruffy prep school bod who seemed to be angry all the time. But all in all it was rather agreeable: for two years the fizz kept flowing and the female company was charming, so, mine not to reason why, I thought. Oh, hello Carrie!"

The statement has caused a constitutional crisis, with some experts claiming this means everything Johnson's government has done is illegal, instead of only 90% of their actions being criminal as everyone previously thought.

While the statement was initially expected to lead to his departure from the job he didn't realise he was supposed to be doing, MPs, party members and citizens at large are in fact calling on him to stay in post after hearing that the concluding part of the statement reads "I now realise it was a all a bit of a cock-up, as Suetonius put it, and I suppose I should go now. So I'll just leave Jacob and Ravey Govey in charge, eh?".

Image: Pixabay/geralt