Starmer accepts magic ring from Sauron

The PM's office explained: 'It's a gift. At no point did the Dark Lord say he expected anything in exchange, other than Keir's eternal soul. The Prime Minister is under no obligation, other than to chase hobbits all over Middle Earth.

'Everything was declared in the appendices to The Silmarillion. Being a Ring Wraith will not prevent his work as PM, if anything it makes him more likeable.' Sadly this is true, as Starmer's popularity is lower than Rings of Power Season 2. He insisted it was not a bribe, but was not helped by referring to the ring as 'my precious'. Friends have said he should avoid the appearance of sleaze by casting the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, or as Tolkien called it, 'Boris Johnson's arse'.

image from pixabay

Larry the Cat Said to Oppose New Downing Street Kitten

Reports that Prime Minister Keir Starmer is bringing a new kitten into 10 Downing Street are not sitting well with lifelong resident Larry the Cat. A cat close to Larry, who requested anonymity to discuss the sensitive matter, said Larry fears that ‘there are simply not enough mice to go around for two cats in No 10.’ The source said that ‘Larry is disappointed that Sir Keir did not even bother to consult him before deciding to bring in the kitten.’

Sources with the Prime Minister’s office dispute this assertion, stating that the kitten’s acquisition ‘followed all applicable feline procurement recommendations contained in the Garfield report.’ That report was issued in the wake of former Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s ill-starred attempts to hire the irascible animated orange cat as a government press representative.

Nevertheless, according to the cat who requested anonymity, ‘Larry really misses Boris; he left empty pizza boxes strewn all over the place, which drew lots of tasty vermin.’ The source hastened to add that Larry was referring to mice and rats, not Dominic Cummings.

Controversially, according to the source, Larry’s hostility to kittens appears to range beyond simple competition for food. ‘Larry believes that kittens are little criminals who will chew up anything not covered in plastic,’ the source said. A representative of the British Kitten Society rejected this claim, characterizing Larry as ‘nothing more than an old cat meowing at clouds.’

Starmer’s new kitten did not return calls and texts seeking comment.

Image: guvo59 - Pixabay

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Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard

Usually it takes a full four years for a PM to look like a harbinger of death and Saga Holidays. However Starmer has gone full evil early on. Even John Major took a whole term to become that grey, and that was mainly caused by seeing Edwina Curry naked.

Margaret Thatcher lost body mass but gained a half metre of additional back-combed helmet. Tony Blair took decades to become an endgame Lich from Dungeons & Dragons. Johnson slowly morphed into a hairstack. Although, to be fair, Liz Truss did become a lettuce overnight.

Just because he looks 80, Starmer will not be eligible for the pensioner's winter fuel allowance. Although, ironically, no one else will either.

Image: Michellezallouaa - Pixabay

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