Gloria Gaynor dance floor classic 'purely motivational’ says Johnson source

A source close to Boris Johnson has defended the playing of Gloria Gaynor’s dance floor classic ‘I Will Survive’ during a Covid ‘works event’ saying it was played as a motivational set piece and was in no way intended for staff to get up and dance to.

After videos emerged of Johnson sporting a white disco suit and silver platform shoes dancing to the 70’s disco anthem on a make-shift dance floor next to a child’s swing in the Downing Street rose garden, the beleaguered PM said it was all an attempt to boost moral amongst hard working staff.

A statement said: 'It was the PMs birthday and Carrie had invited some work colleagues over....they brought a work related cake and some work related bottles of wine and everyone listened to some work related music'

The video also showed Johnson dancing under a large glitter-ball, cigarette dangling from his lips and sniffing poppers from a bottle as he once again motivated his work force to even greater heights of work related work.

The Gaynor classic was quickly followed by other motivational tracks from the Bee Gees, Barry White and Black Lace.

‘Agadoo….er…..we play that to remind us what exciting new trade deals can be done with other nations now that we are no longer bound by EU regulations…..what other reason could there be’?

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Exhausted Boris Johnson plans short holiday in his office

An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years.

Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette.

A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from the gruelling schedule of food-fights, arse-photocopying and emergency danceathons that he has been subjected too as part of his Covid response work over the last two years.

"A few days relaxing and reading the papers in his private Downing Street office will help the Prime Minister recharge his batteries so that he can get back to the important job of putting on a pair of fake plastic tits and squirting cream all over them while shouting, "look at me boys, I'm Doris Johnson".

The source indicated that Mr. Johnson will also be taking up swimming, but what in, they didn't want to say.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’

Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.

“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.

“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”

Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.

One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.

“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”

Image: Pixabay/Bru_nO