Andy Burnham's Hoax Message Exchange

Andy Burnham today repeated his denial to reporters that he was not embarrassed by the message exchange with someone purporting to be the chief of staff for US President Donald Trump.

'I repeat that I am not embarrassed by the exchange of messages with a person purporting to be US President Donald Trump's chief of staff,' stated the Prime Minister.  'But I can assure you - once again - that no information was passed to this individual.  This is a hazard of the job, it goes with the territory and while hoax calls and messages have happened before, especially to my predecessors, my staff have taken great steps to ensure that situations like this will not occur again.  Now, I think we should draw a line underneath the whole...'

At that, a mobile phone ringtone of Go West's King of Wishful Thinking sounded.

'Excuse me,' said the Prime Minister, 'I have to take this.  Ah, Lord Lucan!  Thank you for calling me back, it's good to hear from you again.'

Image credit: perchance.org

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Entitled Goose Game

Anticipating that brown envelopes full of cash may dry up once he is ejected from No. 10, Boris Johnson is working with computer game developers on something new and original.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Your character is Prime Minister and faces serious real-world challenges. However you get points for charging around causing chaos, partying, getting laid and lining the pockets of you and your mates.'

Game developer Luke Lyle said 'I renamed Untitled Goose Game, and took their money.'

Hootington-Hurst continued 'Turns out, we've changed one letter from an existing game. Now an 'E' instead of a 'U'. Suella Braverman's legal view is that it's all the EU's fault anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the people.'

Lyle did not anticipate an enquiry into the money spent. 'What are the Tories going to do? Track and Trace me?'

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First published 19 Aug 2022

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Burnham tops polls after emergency messaging

Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service.

Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK wildfire were told they were missing the point.

Sources close to Number 10 say that the alert system immediately and brilliantly creates a narrative that demonises a fictional segment of the population for bad things.

The Prime Minister's timing was impeccable. Despite being on holiday, the emergency message proved that he is a man of decisive action, painting the government as calm, competent and very much on top of things.

Emboldened, the PM's press secretary told us they are preparing a full suite of further emergency alerts to keep the momentum going.

Upcoming messages will warn citizens not to be so overly dependent on clean running water, not to make themselves ill, especially from swimming in sewage-filled rivers and seas, and not to make unnecessary journeys to join protest marches. Each message will be carefully timed to ensure that people never ask awkward questions about systemic failures, underfunding or imcompetence..

A senior aide, speaking at an industry dinner freebie said: 'Blaming the public is quick, free, and polls extremely well. Having a sensible strategy, or actually doing something, takes years and costs money. This way everyone wins - especially us.'

Image credit: Wix AI

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