Rees-Mogg rules out throwing his pith helmet into the ring

Jacob Rees-Mogg has revealed he has no intention of throwing his Victorian pith helmet into the ring, as the number of Tory leadership candidates surges.

The MP for North East Somerset, and Right Honourable member for at least 250 years ago, said it's a lovely old hat and chucking it on the floor would wreck the thing.

"While there have been numerous members suggesting I stand, I feel now is not the right time," said Rees-Mogg, 109, from on top of his penny farthing.

"I've even had Johnny Rotten backing me, Sadly, though, I don't want to ruin my pith helmet; it often accompanies me on family holidays to Prussia, Mesopotamia and the Sudetenland."

Some people have called for stricter rules on standing as leader, saying too many people have thrown their hat into the ring. At the last count, all but one Tory MP had put their name forward.

Dear Aunty Newsbiscuit

Dear Aunty NewsBiscuit,

I am a prime minister of what was once a globally respected nation (although I hope you'll understand when I say I'd rather remain anonymous for now). We were perceived as the cradle of democracy and a shining beacon of truth and justice everywhere.

But the thing is, I'm now rather fed up with being seen as a compulsive liar, a risible moron and a bumbling buffoon by virtually everyone on the planet. Many are suggesting that under my tenure, the country's reputation has been absolutely trashed into the dirt. Indeed it is my understanding that even amoeba actually hold this somewhat low opinion of me too.

But, you know, it gets a chap down when he's trying his level best to do right by the country. It's as if I am not appreciated at all. So okay, chaps tell me stuff, but what with one thing and another, pressures of not being found out and so on, I go and forget what it was they told me. I mean I'm only human. Selective memory recall affects most from time to time, although I would concede fewer every single time.

But anyway, my question is this. Do you think it might help were I to smarten myself up a bit, get a new haircut, stop being a feckless oaf and perhaps begin to tell the truth once in a while?

Regards Horace Jobson

Ha Ha! (with such a clever alias you'll never know who I am)

NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St

An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.

"This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.

"Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.

"The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."

Image: sasint | Pixabay