Entitled Goose Game

Anticipating that brown envelopes full of cash may dry up once he is ejected from No. 10, Boris Johnson is working with computer game developers on something new and original.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Your character is Prime Minister and faces serious real-world challenges. However you get points for charging around causing chaos, partying, getting laid and lining the pockets of you and your mates.'

Game developer Luke Lyle said 'I renamed Untitled Goose Game, and took their money.'

Hootington-Hurst continued 'Turns out, we've changed one letter from an existing game. Now an 'E' instead of a 'U'. Suella Braverman's legal view is that it's all the EU's fault anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the people.'

Lyle did not anticipate an enquiry into the money spent. 'What are the Tories going to do? Track and Trace me?'

Income tax to be reduced to negative 4% and all NI contributions to date to be repaid - Sunak

At what looks like possibly a desperate attempt to win back control of the leadership contest, ex-Chancellor Rishi Sunak's team has suggested he's contemplating paying 'so-called taxpayers' four pence in the pound for every pound they earn over their allowance, and refunding every single National Insurance payment ever made to all qualifying tax-payers*. He is understood to be considering crowd-funding the NHS as the most sustainable and realistic method and cancelling all of the backlog of appointments 'to give the NHS a clear start'**

His opponent, Liz Truss, is understood to have offered to double or quits anything Rishi has said, with bells on. So there.

*Only applies to Tory donors and Conservative Party members

** Does not apply to Tory Donors and Conservative Party members

Image: Pixabay/InspiredImages

Leveling Up: If Liz Truss can be PM any idiot can

Giving hope to nitwits everywhere, the Foreign Secretary has thrown her hat in the ring - the one that says dunce on it. Running to be Prime Minister, she promised low taxes and a better sheep's bladder, to hit herself over the head with.

Said one aspiring blockhead: 'I always felt I was under qualified to run a country, or even a bath. But Liz has proven it's not what you know...um... that's it, that's the end of that phrase'.

Running under the slogan 'A village idiot but on a national level, Truss is said to be a frontrunner, provided she gets someone to help her with her shoelaces. Having put the dumb into referendum, she would now focus on getting into Number 10, just as soon as she had mastered numbers one through to nine.

image from pixabay