1,922 ways in which Truss Ministry could fall by Friday, anonymous experts confirm

New PM Liz Truss’s Government has fallen into turmoil almost immediately having announced a plethora of tax cuts and borrowing intentions without any published fiscal plan, spooking financial markets and potentially trashing the Tories’ much-vaunted reputation for economic competence.

An obscure, barely-known committee of Tory backbenchers has been witnessed sharpening daggers. One source known only as Graham, who insisted he knew nothing about the committee, nonetheless confided: '1,922 stab wounds may seem a little excessive, but given there are 357 Tory MPs at the time of writing, this would mean about a fairly modest 5.4 stabs each. No - I don’t know what 0.4 of a stab wound really means either, but mathematics doesn’t seem to be a Tory strength just now.'

An anonymous classicist, reportedly a former leader, added: 'In the old days, Tory MPs used to send letters to stab their leader in the back. But, as in Ancient Rome, in the end even the great orators just put their pens down and resorted to literally stabbing Julius Caesar, though he got away with just 23 stab wounds. Now we’re looking at 1,922. I blame inflation.'

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Liz Truss reveals ambition to become Queen

In an in-depth interview today, Prime Minister Truss explained how she only accepted the role of Prime Minister to get the inside track on how the Queen operates. An aide explained that Truss had long expressed a desire to become the reigning monarch but had been unable to find out where you applied, who you bribed or even a job description.

'The money is clearly enough,' suggested the aide, 'and Liz is more than capable of making off-colour comments about foreign dignitaries and their subjects,' before being reminded that had been Prince Philip's role. 'Anyhow, I'm sure she'll be clocking what the Queen does in Balmoral and will be paying very close attention on her weekly meetings. Some of us suspect the Queen is likely to retire or something sometime soon, and Liz will be right in there,' the aide confirmed.

A Palace spokesperson declined to comment on the application process but repeated that HM the Queen had been declared as fit for work by the DWP, as has Prince Philip, and didn't see her standing back just to claim benefits, especially as that would mean she would be liable for her dual fuel bills instead of the taxpayer.

Wax Figure Queen Elizabeth - Free photo on Pixabay

Britain appoints bottom of barrel as Prime Minister

Having endured the excruciating screeching sound of the bottom of the political barrel being scraped for almost two months, the long-suffering British public were hoping to be able to watch the news without their fingers in their ears.

But, like the owners of a missing cat that has returned and sicked up a still-living rat on the living room carpet, their relief at the end of their long ordeal is mixed with disgust at the fresh horror that they are now confronted with.

Some console themselves that you can't get lower than the bottom of the barrel. But excited journalists have just announced that there will be a full week of new Cabinet appointments; so maybe, in this new Britain, you can.

Barrel Wine Wooden - Free photo on Pixabay