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By overwhelming popular demand, the original 'Great Offices of State' will now be called Shite Offices of State.
Guarder of Shite (formerly Home Secretary) - Blaming the unemployed, minorities, disabled people and whoever might be likely to beat them in an election, and calling them "Shite".
Thrower of Shite (formerly Foreign Secretary) - Blaming the EU, foreigners, Russia, Rwanda, Greece, Argentina, Germany, France, and probably any nation, foreigner or even people who look or sound a little foreign, including anyone outside of London and the South East, and especially if Scots, Welsh, or Irish, and calling them all "Shite".
Counter of Shite (formerly Chancellor of the Exchequer) - Balancing the debts against the future debts, shite or otherwise, and looking at new and inventive ways of making people believe that shite happens, and they'll have to pay for it, while also telling them that shite can't happen to them, cos they are too rich or posh, and don't shite. Also referring to anyone with less than ten million of assets, as "Shite".
Head Shite Kicker (formerly Prime Minister) - In this role, the shite gets real, and you need your wits about you to avoid shite sticking to you. Of course, you'll have ample opportunity to kick shite into the long grass, and if you try to throw enough shite at the wall, some of it will stick. And of course, calling random people "Shite", cos it's a top job, with no legal penalties. Do what you want. Say what you want.
A former government source gave his take on things, because he wouldn't talk when he was actually in the government. After some gentle persuasion and a few grand, he gave his wisdom:
'I guess the shite has really hit the fan. The government has no fans left and perhaps that's why they have no shites to give.
Image: Alexas_Fotos | Pixabay
NewsBiscuit has exclusively acquired a leaked transcript of Liz Truss's keynote address to be given to the assembled geriatrics and right wing reactionary crackpots at next week's Tory Party Conference in Birmingham.
Among many things, the document reveals the central plank in the prime minister's plan to unveil long-awaited measures to benefit the poor and underprivileged who are struggling to make ends meet.
In one passage sure to play well with delegates Ms. Truss will say:
"Conference, we're not the party of heartlessness. No (pause for sycophantic applause) We have listened to the people and I am proud to announce this. Rather than give the poor generous cash handouts, which they'll only squander on booze and fags, we shall go one step better. Instead, every day they will all receive a rosy apple free gratis with no strings attached. This is caring conservatism at its finest. (take a beat of ten for wave of uncontrolled adulation to build through the auditorium).
That's levelling up in action and at its best, conference! Because do you know, an apple sliced extremely finely is more than enough to feed a family of six. Of course, a good knife with the keenest of blades is key, but then doesn't every household in the the land have one? And if not, surely those who don't can acquire a Sabatier from John Lewis Online. Even the most hopeless have the Internet... don't they?
But, conference we will not stop there. To ensure the poor do not feel demonised, pitied or patronised, we have arranged for a queuing system to be implemented at the rear of each and every one of the major supermarkets, just next to the skips, where lucky recipients can line up to get this extraordinary and much needed boost to their finances, safely out of sight of prying eyes."
More extracts to follow tomorrow.
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