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Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence


'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded reactionaries in Britain may take a stand and not watch the compelling, 100% factual Adolescence and its promised follow-up.


'We are now getting Labour to make its poodle MPs pass a law fining people £500 for failure to view every second of these Netflix masterpieces.


'You will all then be obliged to get into a huge moral panic and fret out loud, at dinner parties and in public meetings, about how absolutely awful 'these incels' are.


'There will also be custodial sentences for 'Adolescence deniers' - people who claim its plot is not perfectly truthful. It is a real-life documentary, as the Prime Minister stated in the Commons. You only have to see the terribly life-like camera techniques they used to know how right he is about this.


'We are also demanding legislation to make Paddington Bear Britain's new patron saint.


'The statues of him popping up on benches across the country are to be treated as sacred objects, and anyone caught defiling one will be subjected to a tedious sermon on inclusivity from some self-righteous judge who wants good copy in the papers.



Picture by Nabil Saleh from Unsplash/Wix



Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader



The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.


Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.


"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.


He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."


Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.




First published 13 April 2022



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Starmer to nationalize Steal

Ignoring the plight of British Steel, the PM has concluded that it is more profitable to focus on Brits Stealing. The plan is to bring grand larceny and embezzlement under government control, as opposed to what we have right now, which is the crooks running the Labour Party.



Forthwith all acts of theft will be given a Royal Seal of Approval, much like the British Empire. Under the Ministry for Backhanders, the new sector will stick to what we do best, keeping our fingers in the till. Rather than his Ministerial red suitcase, the Secretary of State will carry a bag marked Swag.



Some fear that the City of London will become populated by scoundrels - while others are concerned that we will not notice the difference.


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