Premier League to become giant game of table football

Preparing for the possibility of a second wave of COVID 19, the Premier League has drawn up plans to allow players to remain socially distant on the pitch, by lining them up in rows of three and four, skewering them with a metal pole, and then having them repeatedly spun through 360 degrees towards the ball from the sidelines.

‘It will also be a completely immersive experience for the fans’ explained Premier League chief Richard Masters ‘In the grand tradition of table football, each team will be controlled by a drunken, deluded student who earnestly believes that winning the game will gain him unlimited access to the pants of any girl watching.’

It’s understood that the Premier League evaluated a number of possible options. One official explained ‘Our initial idea was to create a giant game of blow football, but the sheer volume of spittle generated would have been inappropriate in the current climate.’

‘Then we thought about glueing each player to a semi circular base and have fans flick them towards the ball. Unfortunately during a trial run, Harry Kane got trodden on and someone’s dog ate Jamie Vardy so we went with the table football plan instead’

Other sports are also understood to be following suit. Contractors are believed to be digging two enormous grooves into the track at Monza in advance of next week’s Italian Grand Prix. The cars can then be controlled from the pitlane with a sort of mini hairdryer shaped thing before flying off the track and falling to bits at the very first corner.

Jeremy Corbyn’s Premier League do’s and don’ts

As the 2019/20 Premier League season kicks off this weekend, the Labour leader disseminates advice on ‘the beautiful game’ for the militant lefty.

Do:

Write to a senior civil servant demanding they block the Premier League until the embargo against the free movement of players between clubs is resolved.

Cry bourgeois elitism when it’s explained the embargo is a universally accepted transfer window.

Don’t:

Attend games in person. If you must, do as I did watching Cluj versus Celtic in Romania last week; admit to your attendance but claim you weren’t involved. This works for any event where plausible deniability is a necessity when in the glare of the capitalist propaganda outlets.

Do:

Only acknowledge the talents of a team’s left-winger, or anyone left-footed. Observe only through your left eye.

Don’t:

Condemn your team’s player for recklessly tackling an opponent. Instead condemn all tackles and commission a public inquiry into the incumbent administration’s failure to devote adequate resources year-on-year to tackle tackling.

Do: Publicly denounce the process of deciding the winning team and the part played by the victorious dictatorial Prime Manager to be a wholly unconstitutional un-democratic feudal throwback at every opportunity, yet never wither from the all-consuming desire to be a victorious dictatorial Prime Manager yourself.

Don’t:

Pick a Premier League team to support until the end of the season and the outcome of the fascistic gladiatorial façade is revealed. Then pick Arsenal.