Man City Settle Premier League Case for £100

In a shocking yet entirely expected development, Manchester City football club have settled all 115 of its alleged breaches of Premier League financial regulations for a £100 payment to the league and a promise to establish a community service initiative. At a hastily arranged press conference, a balaclava-clad spokesperson for the Premier League mumbled incoherently for approximately twelve seconds before fleeing.

A Man City representative then took the podium to express quiet satisfaction at the outcome of the case. ‘City Football Club are relieved that the recent unpleasantness is now concluded and that all fans can unite around Abu Dh... er … City in the side’s pursuit of further glory.’ City’s X feed was less circumspect, with a statement posted there repeating the phrase 'WE WON!!' 115 times.

The community service initiative will, according to a Club statement, involve the establishment of a program to help little old ladies cross busy streets in Premier League cities. City have promised to use the initiative to help ‘at least five’ elderly women. Ladies wishing assistance will need to complete a detailed online application form and submit a £200 non-refundable registration fee.

Reaction to the initiative among Premier League fans was mixed. When asked whether she planned to take advantage of it, Emma, 85, responded with a lengthy and colourful string of unprintable invective. Agnes, 79, took a more nuanced view. ‘I don’t need help crossing the street,’ she said, ‘but if someone wants to shove a United fan into traffic, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep.’

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4th title in a row earns Man City automatic promotion to Truro Girls' Brigade League (South)

'TGBL (South) is the toughest league in the world, and I don't know how we're going to cope,' said Pep Guardiola, manager of Manchester City and touchline water bottle destroying mechanism. 'Phil Foden is training 14 hours a day to learn the new double pivot system and we've already got De Bruyne on a special whelk only diet.

'The modern Girls' Brigade game has moved on to a level where you need a triple rotation system, and a tight defence unit of lawyers who can stave off 115 accusations of Financial Fair Play misconduct.

'And these girls are tough, and I mean real tough. We're going to need some sort of protection for Grealish, otherwise they'll have his legs on doner kebab spits for breakfast.

'I will of course continue my high level coaching style which is largely based on ranting at fourth officials when I disagree with refereeing decisions, because that always works.

'But to avoid the humiliation of automatic relegation back to the Premiership, we're going to have to attract top new talent from far and wide. Our scouts are currently working flat out tapping up star players in Bissoe and Frogpool. But we just don't have the glamour to lure them to the Sky Blues. We have celebrity support from Noel Gallagher, but they've got Hissing Sid the banjo mangler.'

Image: Girls Females Players - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Booing of ‘Big Six’ Premier League Clubs to be banned

The Football Association and the Premier League have announced that booing and other expressions of disapproval of the so-called Big Six teams will no longer be tolerated. The announcement follows disgraceful scenes at the Little Old Brighton versus Massive Massive Chelsea match where the home fans booed and jeered and showed no respect towards their esteemed opponents.

‘Brighton need to recognise that Chelsea have a very rich owner who, despite a complete lack of knowledge or love of our game, is entitled to take whatever he wants because he is very rich,’ explained an FA spokesychophant. ‘In particular, we were appalled to receive reports of Brighton fans hurling accusations of asset-stripping at Chelsea, just because they took Brighton’s player of the season in the transfer window followed by their former manager, assistant manager, first team coach, assistant first team coach, goalkeeping coach, assistant head of recruitment, Mavis the tea lady and the training ground kitchen sink a few weeks ago.’

In addition to a clampdown on booing, Premier League Clubs outside the Big Six could face fines if their fans sing, ‘You can stick your f***ing money up your a**e’. More severe punishments such as points deductions could apply to the use of wit and sarcasm such as taunting Chelsea with ‘You’re just a sh*t Brighton and Hove Albion’, or asking the Chelsea fans ‘Would you like to buy a song?’.

‘We are especially concerned about the reputation of our football product as we approach the World Cup in the extremely rich country of Qatar,’ continued the FA spokesychophant. ‘Our extremely rich hosts are extremely rich and therefore should not have to hear abusive chanting. On the other hand, I think they would have appreciated the Chelsea fans’ homophobic chant, ‘He left cos you’re gay.’’

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