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Truss aims to become Premier League boss



Liz Truss has announced her intention to become a Premier League manager.


Following her controversial attempt to sue Sir Keir Starmer for saying she crashed the economy, the former Prime Minister, has decided to move from politics to the world of football.


Truss is said to be targeting the vacant job at Everton, following the sacking of manager Sean Dyche.


But wherever she ends up, her main aim is to increase the number of home-grown players.


“We import two-thirds of our footballers. That is a disgrace,” said Truss, speaking at the launch of her campaign.


Typically confusingly, she added: “This month I’ll be in Beijing, opening up new striker markets.”


And hinting at where she’d like to eventually end up, she added: “We’ve got 10 years to save the West Ham.”


Truss, whose 49 days in power marked a new low for a British prime minister, is expected to announce Kwasi Kwarteng as director of football and a lettuce as kit manager.


image from pixabay

Man City charges to be dropped as they have suffered enough



The Premier League is set to drop all charges of breaking financial fair play rules against Manchester City because of their recent run of disappointing results. The Premier League’s compassionate decision reflects the profound sympathy for City’s current poor form which has been felt throughout the footballing world.


The proposed move to let Manchester City get away with alleged financial irregularities over a nine year period has been discussed for a while. It is believed to have been initiated when the devastating loss to injury of one of their bloated squad of multi-millionaire international players, midfielder Rodri, was announced in September. Other Clubs have had injured players but none of them have had an injured Rodri so they don’t really count.


Support for letting City off grew after a series of five successive defeats, the first time they had suffered such a fate since being taken over by a Middle Eastern country.


But last week’s Manchester derby defeat to two heart-breaking late goals was the final straw. The Premier League were inundated with messages of support for the beleaguered club from everyone who cares about the good of the game, and the proposal to drop the charges is expected to be extremely popular.


Indeed, Chief Executive of the Premier League Richard Masters is fully expecting to hear ‘You’re getting backed in the morning’ from football stadia around the world when he makes the announcement.





Footballer with car accident injuries has crash overturned by VAR

A VAR review of a crash involving a Premier League player has decided the player did not in fact crash at all. ‘It was an act of simulation,’ said officials at St George’s Park, who oversee reality and confirm what’s true or isn’t. ‘There will be no police investigation and any treatment the player received in hospital is void.’


The player was found in the crunched-up position in the driver’s seat of his Mercedes-Maybach S 680 4Matic First Class on the B1457 outside Cringley-on-the-willow-on-the-hill groaning like he’d been shot. CCTV footage of the incident was immediately whisked to St George’s, home of the world’s most unforgiving Video Assisted Refereeing technology. True to form, it disagreed with the evidence of the police, ambulance service, and numerous witnesses, and waved traffic on.


Asked to respond to the furore surrounding the controversial decision, officials released audio of the decision being made in real time:


VAR: Possible crash.


Assistant referee 2: Give it.


Assistant referee 1: Coming back for the skid, mate.


VAR: Just checking the crash. Delay, delay.


Referee: Yeah, no worries mate.


Replay operator: So, here we are. Just get a tight angle.


VAR: 2D line on the bumper.


Replay operator: Yeah, OK. So 2D line on the bumper.


VAR: And stop. Check complete, check complete. That’s fine, perfect. No crash.


‘That should clear everything up,’ said the official.




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