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This week, the government is focusing its mixed messaging and contradictory positions on the International Monetary Fund.


'How dare they criticise our incompetence', said someone doing a terrible impression of a Chancellor. 'Yes, the pound has collapsed and the country's heading for a slump, but they shouldn't point that out. Having said that, we really love the way they loan money to countries that have destroyed their own economies. Not that we've done that, and if we did it's definitely Gordon Brown's fault.'



The Royal Mint has confirmed it has designed the new coinage for King Charles and is going to replace coins depicting Queen Elizabeth the Second as they wear or become meaningless in value. 'Who really will want to be carrying around twenty thousand pound coins to buy a loaf of bread in December?' asked a member of the Royal Mint today. 'We'll start with the £2 million coin so that people can buy a pint in London while Christmas shopping, and of course we will be introducing smaller denominations of £1 million and £500,000 coins to allow for small change.


'The three trillion pound note is still some way away,' he added. 'February next year, if Kwarting is still Chancellor, I guess.'


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