Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award

The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.

"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."

Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."

When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."

www.newsbiscuit.com

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

The red line district

Poundland devalued

Due to the collapse of Sterling, the bargain store has been forced to rebrand as 'Tuppence Zone'. A spokesperson confirmed: 'One Poundland is currently trading for a single Walmart carrier bag.'

Investors in Poundland have found their liquidity drop to the point where they may need to shop at Poundland. Sadly all in-store items are now worth considerably more than a pound, leaving their sole product range as penny sweets, now valued at 99p each.

Traditionally the pound had a pound for pound ratio, but now it is only measured in ounces - renamed the Sub-atomic Pound, given its relative size. The Treasury said: 'If we had a pound for every time the pound was devalued... in fact, that might be the problem.'