Traders brand pound a "sick disgrace" as it falls to an all-time low

Britain's pound fell to what currency traders said was an "all-time low" yesterday evening when it turned up drunk to a party and started touching up its cousin, the Swedish krona.

"Sterling's been on a downward spiral for some time now, and it's been pretty sick," said one foreign exchange dealer, staring at his screens with an icky look on his face. "But it just hit rock bottom.

"Our currency is a disgrace, and I will never spend quids again," said the trader, primly. "Except on cocaine and strippers, of course."

Image: sergeitokmakov - Pixabay

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Restaurant inexplicably refusing to use £ signs on menu

There is absolutely no reason, apart from utter pretentiousness and a desire to appear trendy for not using the £ sign in front of any items on their food and drink menus, a restaurant has confirmed.

The Hog and Farrier , an upmarket eaterie in Hoxton, London, serves sliders (8.5 each) artisan cheeseboards (16), grazing platters. (13.25) and mixed mezes (11.75) alongside craft beers (4-6.25 per schooner) carefully curated by a resident hop sommelier.

‘We haven’t used £ signs in front of our menu prices for some time now’ said Martin Da Costa, Deputy Libation and Gastronomy Manager. ‘It definitely makes us seem more edgy somehow, and elevates the description of our food items to an even higher level.

‘ ‘3 kinds of olives, infused with Mediterranean oils and topped with soft organic feta’, sounds so much more appealing when it’s followed by 9.5, instead of £9.50.’

‘There’s that added air of mystery to it with the customer left to work out whether it is £, euros, dollars, maybe even Saudi riyals, or Mexican pesos’, continued Da Costa.

‘If you gave me 1.00 for every time I was asked when we were going to stop this pretentious practice of not using £ signs on our menus, I’d be a rich man’, concluded Da Costa.

image from pixabay

Pound coin you dropped down the gap between the driver's seat and bulkhead is mocking you

A pound coin you dropped down the side of your car seat is openly mocking you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

It made its move at McDonald's drive-thru window last Thursday while you were counting out the cash for your order.

As you passed it over to the spotty youth, the pound made its move and leapt from your hand before disappearing down the narrow crack between the edge of your seat and the dividing bulkhead.

Despite pissing off everybody in the queue for a full three minutes as you desperately tried to retrieve it, in the end you were forced to admit defeat and reluctantly pay by card instead.

Service Technician Dave Clifford explains. ‘Modern cars are designed so that if you do drop anything between the seats, it can never be retrieved without having special tools to dismantle the whole front half of your cockpit. More often than not that's going to be a total rebuild, sometimes costing thousands.'

You remain adamant you will somehow get the pound, but Dave only cackles manically: ‘Mwuhahaha! Yeah, you try, squire. You haven't a hope. End of.'