Sunak hoping for poll boost from Strictly performance

Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak is hoping to turn his fortunes around by appearing in the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas extravaganza.

His campaign team apparently had the idea that if he danced with Vasudhara, the six-armed Indian goddess, he would wow TV audiences around the world and gain the confidence to meet his counterparts on the world stage. But rehearsals with Vasudhara didn’t go as planned, as Sunak was inevitably undecided by which of Vasudhara’s hands to take during the fast-paced Pasodoble that was intended to be his pièce de résistance.

Vasudhara is said to have told the Strictly choreographer that she doubted Sunak would know which hand to wank with if the other was tied behind his back, as she pulled out of the show.

An alternative partner for Sunak has been found and the dance downgraded to a slow-paced, two-step waltz, which if Rishi can remember which foot to lead with, may allow the event to go ahead.

Harry Pothead and the Amazon wish list

The Harry formerly known as “Prince” has found a new way to cash in on any dwindling popularity he may have left, by publishing his Amazon wish list

He invites members of the public who still believe in him to show their solidarity by buying him the tools he needs to continue his campaign.

Items include; enough rope to hang himself, and a selection of shovels in ever-increasing sizes

'All set for Easter?' knocks 'All set for Christmas?' into second place

‘All set for Easter’ is now the number one question asked at bus stops, according to a new poll.

‘The days are getting longer, but you wouldn’t believe it, would you?’ is straight in at three, pushing ‘But you’re not allowed to say that anymore are you?’ into fourth place. 'Did you get anything nice from Santa?' is still making a strong showing.

Data analysis shows that people you vaguely know but haven’t spoken to in a couple of years are now 57% more likely to talk about a Netflix series, while Downton Abbey is hardly referred to at all. Hollyoaks remains popular with the 3-12 age bracket. Call the Midwife is favoured but is believed to be a seasonal outlier.

Polling expert, Professor Sir Malcolm Granger said:

‘Have you been following Love Island? What? No, me neither. It's shit isn’t it.’

The poll reveals the type of question asked at a bus stop is influenced by how long you have to wait. Refugees in dinghies will typically kick in after one minute, Wokeism in two, Meghan and Harry in three, and capital punishment and castration in five. Where’s that bus got to? arrives about forty-five minutes later, with most respondents blaming the hijab, although you’re not allowed to say that anymore, are you?

Experts fear next year's bus stop poll will be far less accurate as participants will be obliged to show photo ID such as a senior citizen’s bus pass, a passport, or membership of the Ku Klux Klan.